Thursday, December 10, 2009

Rough day

I was a mess yesterday. I guess I finally let it out. Its okay im proud I did. Im embracing the changes in my body and actually feel alot better. I read a story about a 25 year old girl and how she got diagonosed with metastic breast cancer after she was married for nine months and for the next two years her and her husband fought and fought till she passed away last nov. Poor girl she was so young and wanted to live. Here I am all worried about nothing. SO I cant breast feed. SO what. My lumps were coming out in the milk did I wanna  give that to the baby....no way.....MY breast will get feeling back and  I will be okay. I just pray to god that my mind stops racing.....i feel alot better. My game is over with the breasts. IS this lump it, is this one it. 17 yrs of that. GOd is good to me I know he loves me and my son and im going to be okay. I just know it.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Time is ticking....

I think thats what I thought today when I woke up at 4am crying so hard. I went back in the hospital November 29 my stiches were opening......The doctor had to remove my implant....for temporary purposes......until my skin gets stronger...ughhhh... I got out Dec 1 its now the ninth I look so weirdo. ON sunday morning I woke up and felt so happy I was like I dont have cancer im not gonna get it...im good GOD Is looking out for me... I been feeling so good, I just dont know what happened this morning.....My poor mom I woke up crying went in her bed, went in the backyard....I almost put my tennis shoes and took off running down the street. I dont know what Im running from anymore, Im going to stop running now....

Friday, November 20, 2009

No Cancer!

I just came back from the doctor right now...and my pathology report is in the cells showed pre-cancer but no cancer!! Who hoO! Dr. Weiner was like well I was really worried about this when I opened you up...I was unsure because to me it looked like cancer...thank god we caught it. Happiness filled me up quick because whatever he was going to say I was ready to take it. I guess in my life I feel like I can take anything.
Me and my mom went to chilis afterwards and had the fight of our lives. I dont know why. Im a little confused right now, but tired now after what happened. I am telling my mom, how happy I am, How I feel like I can do anything, How I have so many plans on what I want to do and go and see. Her response was well first you need to let go of the anger and bitterness. What the heck is her problem!!!!!!!!!! Anger and bitterness..................................Did you hear what I just said. im just professing my love for life and she starts talking about that I have bitterness against my brother!!! MY brother lives with my mom just like I do (which will be soon done with) and doesnt contribute or buy food and my moms okay with that. It does get on my nerves a little bit because he doesnt contribute at all and i spend my whole paycheck on bills but to her its still not enough. Im thankful that she has let me stay here because she doesnt have too, and thankful she has helped with the baby and thankful because I thought she was proud of me.
Recently she had been saying ohhh and you would have been done with school if you would have went to school when I said you did....and little comments like that.... I said well mom I didnt and you saying that just waisted about 3.5 seconds of your life because it didn't matter. I dont know why she does this to me. The idea of me being sucessful bothers her I feel. The idea of her seeing me happy in my life and in my own skin bothers her even more. Why! I dont worry about my brother it would irriate anyone in the same situation but it doesnt take over my daily thoughts about my brothers situation. It doesnt bother me, my problems dont bother him its like strangers living together....big deal. IT Bothers her. IT bothers her to see me trying to get a head in life and be happy and healthy and him not trying. Its not my fault. Its not my fault he is the way he is. All I can do is pray from him and myself that we find our way in life. I found mine. I wish she would just be proud that I did and stop trying to bring me down. She said stop telling everyone that your happy. Why? She told me to shut the fuck up now. Im sorry i cant .I refuse to let her try and make not happy, I refuse to try and let her control me...and try and lead my life. THats why I dont have a husband. She has gotten so much in the middle of my relationships I cant even be happy with a man because shes not. Im just gonna pray to god thank you for blessing me all this time and to walk me through my throyid surgery with no cancer there so I can continue my beautiful life that I have. Im going to pray that any one else who attempts to not let me pass on to happiness and prosperity be lifted up high and find god and a revelation at the moment they try and attack me with their negative energies. I am going to pray god blesses me with my own home so I can raise my son in peace and love. GOd bless help me right now get over the pain of my drains from my breasts and be thankful I dont have cancer and be thankful im sane and have so much love in my heart its gushing over full to give to my son and my family. I pray that my mother and my family get to feel the same thing I feel and be happy and prosper in their lives.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sleepy...

Im so tired if I could sleep all day and night I would. Tommroow Im going back to Dr Weiners office to find out the pathology results. I cant wait to go so he can tell me I dont have cancer and I can close this boobie chapter I been dealing with ever since I developed breasts.

Till tommow I will let you know the news.... I get to sleep my baby is at daycare so I can rest. I kind of want to go back to work...tommorow ....Ill wait till tommroow they are gonna take my drains off....and maybe ill be better.

Friday, November 13, 2009

It was Tough getting them out...

Me today at Dr Weiners office counting the minutes till my bandages are off
Thats what Dr weiner said. He said my tissue looked very different than the normal tissues and he wouldnt be suprised if it came back as something we dont want. What if it does come back as something bad....going throuh another surgery...im sorry I dont want to do that...So im going to put out the energy that I dont have to and can be okay. Its tooo dang much right now. The bandages came off....I dont wnt to look at my boobs....I wont look at them in the mirror for awhile....one is badly brusied because he said the fibroyoids would not come off...but eventaully they did and he had to cut me so their is a big cut on one.....nothing i can cover with makeup.....
Like i was saying.....MY mom can only help me so much....my poor mom she is helping me so much and going through this with me every minute. I know sometimes she can get crazy...lol..... but she is my best friend and without her....i have no idea what i would do. She like the super force behind everything and i try and do everything like her. Im trying to perfect it and maybe one day I will be such a good mom like her. She does everything so effortlessly trying to make sure im okay, Im so lucky. Im happy i have her here with me. We ate at comedor Gudalajara today and she said we cant be eating out we need to watch our wastelines lol....I said who cares lets just watch it get bigger...she laughed I said besides you always taught me when I get upset to go out to eat and it will feel better she says well we must get upset alot lol....Im going to say this pray right now...Dear lord thank you for my life, thank you for leading me to the right doctors that are healing me through you lord thank you for saving my life, thank you for my family and thank you for giving me the strength of what it takes to understand how much i needed my surgery and how much healthier I already feel thank you for blessing me with the courage to fight whoever and whatever i need to to help me stay alive for my son because he is the best blessing you could ever give me. Thank you god, for everything and thank you for sending down the best doctors for my surgery to work with dr weiner and margarita. amen.
I told my mom today I dont even want boobs anymore their dumb....she laughed and hugged me.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Me and my Nana and tata showing love today.
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Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I got my surgery...!!!!!!

Im sooo late at updating this. I got my surgery at Banner Gatway hospital in gilbert arizona today! The surgery took almost three hours and I actually felt minimal pain when i left. I could have stayed but when i woke up all I thought about was my bed and my home....and said I wanna go home, i feel better than i thought I would, and so there it is there. Done. I still have some breast tissue but all the other bad yuckie Atypical hyperplasia is gone.
Let me back track and tell you how finally that my state insurance said this will be the right thing to do. After two appeals with the insurance I decided to take them to appeals court in our states appeals department and then after that it was time to get the lawyers ready because I and them were preparing for a lawsuit. My doctor Dr. Ronald Weiner was willing to give his medical opinion and help me show them that this is the way to treat my condition. I have severe fibrocysstic disease and now pre-cancer cells....in 5 spots...I mean hello. Days before court the medical director overturned the decision and here I am this evening, all safe at home with no pre cancer cells. I thank god for guiding dr weiner and the team in taking care of me and helping me get better, and miss margarita his assistant for being a guiding angel. I just feel so lucky and blessed and actually had a very good surgery and would do it again if I had too. ;-) It was a miracle. God bless my mother, my boyfriend Daniel for helping take care of my love of my life, my son abel and being there for me alll the time all my family friends for their words of encourgement and all the pretty flowers I feel like a million bucks right now. ;-) Now to get rid of my throyid surgery, follow up on my tumor and keep praying to god for my life he gives me everyday, and my beautiful son I get to love. I am so blessed and I owe it all to Jesus, he is the almighty son of god and my creator I thank you lord for every every precious minute of my life and my families lives. Amen.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Short Hair




Update since we last talked. ;-0 My hair is short. I love it. Its almost blond I look so different no one can recognize me. I havent had my surgeries yet. My state funded insurance has denied me saying its not full cancer yet sorry. Im in the process of my appeal. ughhhh. Im so ready to get this over with. I feel like a sitting duck waiting to be hunted.


ANyways Abels surgery has been moved to sept 1, and im glad he really needs it poor baby so he can sleep better.




Still waiting on my throyid scan. a few more weeks and ill find out if I have cancer there too. I have given up soda and cut out 98% of the junk I used to eat. I really havent lost weight but i feel better so thats all that matters, and i been hitting up the gym and I feel really good. I also been talking to god even more and our relationship is stronger than it has been in my whole life and ever since then I never been happier.


Thank god for letting me be here every day, its a miracle of life that we all get to experience every day and I love mine. Cross your fingers too school starts on monday, im so ready to graduate.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

A new Image plastice surgeon visit...

I went today. I actually held a implant in my hand. EWww it felt weird. But I started the process to get it done. Im going to have a simple masectomy done. Basically they are going to take all the filling out of my breasts and replace it with an implant. At least i will still have my nipples. ;-) Gone will be the day of getting breast massages, but at least I will look cool..heheh It should be fuller in my front I guess. Today I also took the baby to the dr, and they want to take his tonsils out and adenoids out. UGHHH the idea of lmy lil angel going under anthesia is so awful, hes going to be in the hospital too OMG. He will be okay. Hes an angel and the angels will be there everyminute taking care of him. Well, lets see how tommorow goes. This is the third day of no throyid medicine. ugh. im tired. i think.
SOoooo. Thats it. Thats it for today.
Things are looking up. At least I wont have breast biopises and pain. My dream of fully breast feeding another baby are gone, but at least I could get them the best formula right? If I ever have another baby anyways....Abel needs a sister but i need a good man for that...lol maybe when I get my inmplants in a few weeks...hahahah im kidding

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Scary Attorney Visit today...

Me and Gordo woke up today and kind of hung out home today, watching Dora and relaxing he was tired. Anyways, its like we can do nothing anymore its too crazy hot. When I took him to daycare late this afternoon, he kissed me. He loves daycare. Thats only reason i feel okay with leaving him. He actually loves. Believe or not, our little daycare he goes too takes very very good care of my son. They are almost like a mini family to us. Well, after daycare today I went to see an attorney in regards to my throyid surgery in 2001. I brought them my medical record and watched these strangers read through personal medical record. Its their job yes, but I can help but think WHY. Why am I going through throyid problems again, at the same time im going trough breast problem agains its soooo weird right and soooo scary. But thats what frustrates me, I want to know why, I dont want money but what if I do have cancer now? Why did they leave it in there.....what What should I do? I will keep doing what i always do, staying strong and being smart is all I can do. I cant give up. Theres no way I could my son needs me, and thats all that important.
Another landmark today and yesterday for that matter. Yesterday Dr, Wiggenhorn ordered a thryoid uptake scan. The only catch is I have to be off of my throyid medicine for six weeks. That could be a bad thing because what if I dont really have a thoroyid? The attorney and two other doc including my PCP said to follow the order.... I hope it works, and nothing really really bad happens to me. Well, I also made an appointment for my plastice surgeon tommorow. lol i never thought I would be seeing a plastic surgeon till i was successful when I was 50 and could afford it...lol.. So to end the day up its soooo funny One of my auants told me after I told her whats going on that Im not a good parent, because I told her my son was constipated today and because im just toying with the idea of potty training . She said she heard im never home, so how am I going to potty train my son, and he needs a parent, a parent she kept saying. lol. Im not going to get mad at her, I love her. I wanted to tell her you know what???? I go to a university!! I work!!!Im having my breasts cutt of, my throyid again, maybe colon which is next and unless you have cameras in my home to tell me that im never home than shut up!! lol and if im not for any reason, I am not just fiddling around!!
I am always home with my son. The only time we are away unless I have too be away. I dont leave him at daycare and then go to the club. What the heck is she thinking. She always tells me my mom raises my son. Oh please. My mom is a nana and if she wants to scold him or be with him to help me get ahead in life, let her. Leave her alone Stop Judgeing people and be happy. Trust me if my mom didnt want to help she wouldnt. I been living with her for 30 yrs so i got a pretty good idea of what she will do. lol My poor auant, shes so mean. But we still love her.
Ughhh as if I dont have enough things going on as well, im in summer school, and in math I have a D...Dplus so I still have a chance. SO I am praying and I want you to pray wit me....Dear god please keep me sain right now, give me the energy and the strength to not be scared. I heard and felt you this afternoon when you knew i was scared and you knew to put your hands on me. Thank you lord, thank you for another day.
Amen.

About Me

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Highly interested in the future of my two children...and creating postive memories for them is my goal. Im a single mother, a ASU graduate and a social worker...by accident.