Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas 2010

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Sunday, December 12, 2010

Phoenix First Assembly of God..Spirt of wonder christmas play...

http://www.phoenixfirst.org/


My Mom and abel at the play he had a blast!


If you havent been GO!! its the best thing you could ever see. I was so proud to be there today and proud to take my son to a play i used to see when I was a little kid. I thought it was the best thing. It was I felt so free so blessed to be there.

Its kinda late im probably not gonna write alot but I am gonna tell you yesterday I stayed all night and day making tamales by myself and they came out sooo good im so proud.  I told my mom today after the play well mom its official I finally cook. clean, Im making sure tamales and menudo are a regular for me on christmas for my kids, I bear children I have a resume, I graduated college im officially a women now allI need is a husband..lol. .she laughed.  Im having some contractions right now, and to be honest with you they hurt....I know im being a baby but.....maybe its stress....u know sometimes the stresses i talk about like anyone elses fears....of not being able to do enough to provide....Its just hard being a single mom, scary, I feel like I sound like a classic single mom story but im not, I dont think so....I just have alot going on and shouldnt be adding more to it....like with men....David is around....and around  Idont know what else to say about him but only time will tell Until then this women has somethings on her mind....Have Madison, Get my career going that i worked so hard for, schedule surgeries right after madison, Buy a house....Lowrider baby, phoenix princess, graduate school.  Im not gonna stop....I will  attain success or die trying
Me.....Monica 37 weeks prego after Lowrider baby photo shoot....

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Who does that!!!

Me this weekend doing the photoshoot for my future website called lowrider baby maternity clothes....this is nothing...the pics are awesome I cant wait to see them. A girl named audra from Explosive Images did them...omg it was so cool...she has so much skills...Im so glad I met her from my friend Lu because I had a fun time, and she is awesome person thanks explosive images!!!
Pregnancy is coming along...actually contractions are coming pretty good... I think madison is going to be here sooner than we think so im sooooo ready.... i think yesterday I was nesting I cleaned everything including my car...I dont want her to meet her mom and think what the hell...lol...

I changed my number....I know.... I had too....Daniel scared me.....Im done with that mental abuse...DOne done DOne.....Im not going back for that what the hell!!! Who does that who cusses someone out to the head to toe and then say they love them and wanna be a family!!! DRAMA  cant do it.. thats more energy than it deserved.....Its just that you cant abuse a person that already has been abused in the past...and refuses to let anyone else get away with it....NOPE>.....Im smart like David says well you have a degree....lol....

David is good as ever..my sweetheart.......I wish i could keep him next to me....and keep him their all day...!! and night...Muah sweety pie......I heart you.....

Now off to call the docs.....contraction contractions....

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Thanksgiving...Fullness...learning....and constant change....


Thanksgiving Day 2010....Wow awesome...I woke up at 6am pulled out my laptop looked up how to cook a turkey...and did it. I never have cooked turkey....and it was easy.I bought the food for thanksgiving and thought my mom was going to cook it but was informed that she wasnt because no one appreciates her. I dont know why she said that...but I dont have time to worry Im eight months pregant now...have christmas to worry about...and still working barely...even if its 10 hours a week im working....I have learned to be able to streach money and ways to cut corners and basically do with out most of the time. I thought about what i am thankful for  and im thankful for my son, he brings so much peace and joy to me, im thankful for ASU for putting my name on a degree that I worked so hard for, Im thankful for my job where in dec I have been there threee years and they have been so flexiable with me...its a true blessing. Im even thankful for aflac....lol....without them I wouldnt have survived the hospitals and future hospitals for that matter...Its the best 90dollars a month I spend...that saves me when Im sick. Im especially thankful for GOD, hes number one he keeps teaching me and showing me that I can do anything, I can be a good mother, I can be a role model for my children, I can provide and showing me how to utllize anything I can to benefit my children and I. Im trying to get used to saying kids plural....Im a mother of two....a single mother of two.....A actually very single mother of twoo I also learned this weekend...but Its okay....you live and learn I guess and dont do it again right?
I think my blogs one day might be like a single moms memoir or something...of how the things we go through and learn about ourselves our kids...people who come in and out of our lives....this saturday me and abel went to encanto park with david and his grandaughter. Shes a lil sweetheart and  abel likes her alot...they had had a blast.
My son sometimes get really excited, hes kinda hyper sometimes but hes three...he acts like hes threee...I got my feelings hurt...because well....of course my situation is odd...for any man to come into....a preganant women with a three year old boy....with all my issues...all my health problems....who would really be able to walk into that...and take on a almost husband and fatherly role???? IT take a strong person, and a person with no barriers no exceptions no judgements. Before David...I was set on not dating anyone...like ever...I know it sounds weird but i didnt want to bring anyone else in my world...there is just tooo much going on...


but I did....Im thankful David is here, Im thankful hes a postive influence for me. I need a good directional leader like him and im enjoying him to say the least. This past saturday...was a lil weird....it was like the frist time we were alone with kids his grandaugher my son...in public a little stressful because we dont know how it is with kids in public together...and I just assumed he would help alot but had some problems with understanding abel...but im assuming it was just confusion.

Abel is hard sometimes...hes very active, very curious very happy.....it could be alot for someone to understand who isnt around kids alot or really have any of their own....I mean before I had kids I used to run from people with kids...especially like mine..lol...but then again...I didnt have the love in my heart back then like I have now....
So I could understand his frustrations no family is perfect especially just starting out. I hope this was just a wrench in the game that we can use it just to tighten any loose ends to see if we all are meant to be a unit...a family unit....Right? Thats just what any single mother wants a family for her and her kids so she can do what comees naturally to her...and thats motherhood....and womenhood....
Needless to say things are contining to go well....I have a few weeks left in my pregancy....I have almost everything I need for my daughter.....my job is preparing for me to be off......I actually cant wait to be off...I need it...I need to be home with my kids right now....I have so much to prepare for next year....Surgeries...Moving..paying off Bills...working.....buying a house..graduate school.....Disneyland...I wanna go to vegas with david....taking care of abel and madison and my David....



Whatever it is im thinking I have to be like Walt Disney.....and KEEP MOVING FORWARD>>>>>>>


We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.


Walt Disney





Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Ashanti - Baby

Reminds me of my love....David...Muah!!!!!!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Change is so wonderful....


Change...its hard for everyone we all know but Change right now for me is GOOD. Things have been a little weird for me...but I always manage to steer it back on track and keep on going. Im 34.3 weeks every friday im a week so friday I will be 35 weeks!! 35 weeks!!! It seems like forever I been pregnant...but in reality its a blink of life. Me and David have been having a blast, seeing each other and weekends always on the phone together...its so awesome hes so funny and sooooo gosh dam handsome...I look at him all the time and im like dammm hes fine....lol...and hes with me...lol...you know why right...lol...it feels good sitting next to him and talking to him....I just feel so fullfilled....I am scared a little bit...because i dont want to get hurt...but ill never know what will happen unless I try. This weekend was soooooo awesome....embarrassing at some points but sooooo awesome... Me and David went to the casino buffet with his daughter....and I let larry see abel for awhile so we can go. When it was time to pick him up Larry was mad because I wasnt their at seven sharp he started cussing me out....I started cussing him out....it was so dumb. Finally I just ignored it and I asked David  to go with me to pick up abel, in fact I asked David to wait for larry outside of the car to get abel and I wait inside the car. OHHHH MYYYY GOD.......I wish I did this years ago......lmafao....The sound of larrys voice....his mouth was stuck open.....his beedy eyes buldging.......that was sooooo awesome......David just said okay abel and helped in the car, and was talking to him and asking him if he had fun......lol...I never felt so proud in forever. A man standing up for me a man their for me!!!   It just seeems Like that would never happen its been so long....that I had a really good man to be in my life....and hes here....I want to hold him tight and never let him go....I have tears....David said dont send abel back there...that felt good to hear my man say that...MY MAN...my man in my life that cares dude Its just like awesome...and I feel so happy and blessed.....
Off Topic
another change a incident happened with one of my friends....not cool at all. but I just prayed about it and let it go...I dont have time to worry about what people think or say...its just that people are finding out lately...that i dont let people say things  that are hurtfull anymore...I dont just IGNORE it anymore....I was raised to ignore everything to cause no problems.....yeah thats good but when someone talks about my kids my unborn kids....nooooo sorry....cant do it...I always was such a friend to her... I listened to her, I was there for here, came running when she needed me....but now that I look back...did I get the same in return??? Of course not...thats why im not worried no love lost....but think wow...she called some of my other friends and was saying not be friends with me??? wth....doesnt she have a life....lol...oh welll...some people have inner things that we will never be able to help with and we can only pray for  them and hope the best for them. Im not gonna lie ill probably miss her a little bit, shes nice, funny, and cool to hang out with but all the stuff she said and of course im no angel I shouldnt have fell into that...ughhh maybe it is my hormones these days...lol...cause I go off....but to talk about my daughter...thats just not cool....and embarrass me calling my other friends like a little kid....lol..she was one of those kids on the playground who used to try to get kids to take sides or something...geeezz...all I can is wish the best for her.
Friday I went to benefit dance at corona ranch it was sooo neat. It was for my friend lucys friend for breast cancer. Thank god for Lucy, I feel so close to her and so blessed to have her in me and abels life..I called her when abel was with larry and both weekends she talked me through it...she can like talk me through anything....thank you girl. Thank you so much for being there for me no matter what...even If I talk about you..lmfao....apparently I dont love lucy either...lol..my freind I mentioned earlier was on a mission to make sure that me and lucy would not be friends...sorry darling we are not friends we are family!! thank goodness for lucy shes such a blessing in a ton of peoples lives shes awesome lady.
At the the benefit dance I was happy to be there and donate even with my big tummy I wanted to dance and drink some beers...but i enjoyed talking to my tia and lucy and her sisters when they came..It was cool to be cheering someone on and helping them because I know what they are going through. Nov 9th 2009 was my surgery its been a year!!! Its been a year....crazy....read my blogs this time last year... Iwas in sooo much pain mentally and physically...I feel so blessed I feel so much love in my heart to be alive...Im glad my doctors took care of me like they did...because if I didnt do it...who knows my pre-cancer would be cancer now...Im proud I had my surgery...Im proud of my decision...Im proud of my fake boobs...and my scar lol...I dont care anymore....Im just enjoying life

Look at tia stella, she went with me to the benefit dance...A year later me and her were celebrating...we really didnt think about it..but now that I think about it!! we were!!! Last year I was screaming all the time..lol...I didnt wanna leave...I questioned my womeness..because of my boobs....I was sooo gone....tia stella was there....and I still in school isnt that crazy??? thank you sooo much tia stella you been my angel since I was born...its crazy how i remember things I remember she took me to the fair when I was a baby, she went to my kindegarten play when I was a elephant...she was at my 8th grade graduatiion, highschool graduation, she was there all night when abel was born and putting up with my crazinesss, shes been there through my boyfriends...ugggg even Danielll and that gametime incident...oh gawdd....lol....  she was at my  colllege graduation I remember looking at her andwaving I was so proud...she never forget my birthdays growing up, I loved the bags she got on my birthday and would decorate my room with them...I used to stay with her at her house when I was little and tell my cousin he was my brother I will never leave...him...awww and i always remember the little christmas ornament she bought from us when our school was selling them that was at her back door and when you open it how did I make it all the time from then till now...every moment she was there....isnt that cool? God sent me an angel and thats my Tia Stella...I dont care how old I am shes MY tia and im thankfull for her. I made it through the year...amazing to me I dont know how I did it but its god way for me, it was god who picked me up and lead to me to visit the nun monistary and my tia stella and I thank god everyday for saving me. fAbout tthis time last year I finally i remember about this time I just quit going to school and didnt think I would go back right I was like im headed for the crazy house....lol....Me no sorry I dont think soooo...lol..I graduated, Im having a baby, buying a house next year with my sexy boyfriend..Graduate school or law school....idk....but im doing it....Im jumping phoenix princess off next year....and my maternity clothes...photo shoot is sunday this week omg Im so freaked but a good freaked....lol....I have a sure online payment process for my shirts  that I finally figured out thank goodness....Madison is getting her own line of onessiseswith tutus on them...i need to start making demos for lowrider baby!! Im smiling right now...things are cool.....Thank you Jesus for picking me up and saving my life...and protecting my heart and soul and giving me the energy and the clarity to see past things and out of the confusion i was in I wouldnt have seen before..thank you jesus...thank you sooo much for my life...and thank you for abel...and madison in five weeks....she will be here...and David....im still smiling as I write this....
 
LG   Life is Good.....

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

peacefulness...and wholeness....

I havent really talked to myself on here..lol in a while but I have a few minutes....uggggg Its tuesday, abels at preschool I left my phone charger at a community center lol...I need to die my hair, I had to call in to work because my mom cant watch abel...and on a brighter note...I kinda started getting unemployment but they didnt give it to me this week because I  have "wages" lol. My wages are change...but i guess I have wages..lol...More than 9 hours now I work 16 hrs...blah... but you know what I actually am happy. For once in like four years GENIUNELY I am happy. I have learned to get rid of permantly bad people that are in your life, so that they good ones can come in. I met a guy his Name is David...I just smiled writing that..lol...The last three weeks of my life have been blissful...He listens to me, he talks to me, he looks me in the eye. I listen to him I cant get enough of those eyes he has, they are so REAL, so adoring eyes... he laughs alot like me, he likes to do what i like to do, he's smart, and OMG so handsome and sexy. Im his girfriend im sorry. lol.....I  think about him all day, he makes me feel special and loved. AND to top it off hes a christian. I asked him to be with me in the hospital when I have the baby. Im so excited to me he was sent to me finally, hes my man I know deep in my heart, he is a good man for me, and im going to take care of him very well. Thats what people who are in love do, they NATURALLY take care of each other. Nothing about love is forced or because "you have to do it" I dont feel like I have to do anything. Im so glad Daniel is finally out of my life. Im going to keep him out. He's been telling me that he feels sorry for me so hes gonna "help me out" lol.....I said really how are you gonna do that? Well, I feel bad for you pregnant and alone and no love or attention so I SHOULD give you attention is what he told me. He also went to abels soccer game to help and stayed ther five minutes marching out  " I left my kids for this!!" lol......Goodbye Daniel Good bye with your evil self and your pity that was not necessary, an i was honest at least with him when he would say do you have feelings for me and I would say no, then he would say am I only here for abels game and I would say uhhh yes  lol but I dont have that problem anymore more...lol...He was the worst relationship I could honestly say I ever had in my entire life, not even Larry was like that....ugggg  I could actually say I mean the men that were in my life have been in my life for years, I just never dated people for a little while...or anything...so that I am proud of myself...i just dont have random men in my life...the unfortunate party 0f the last...2.25 years is the two losers were just kind a their one abels dad to give me money, and Daniel to keep me entertained on the cell phone...lol...cause thats really what our relationship was a cell phone relationship. We werent "together"  like I didnt spend the night at his house but once....we never did alot of things together..he was always drunk...I went to my families parties and he went to his alone...their was never a togetherness I felt...I guess I was just seeing him all this time and I thank GOD up above I dont see him anymore....uggggg the stress and drama is gone and feel so set free....people in your life can bring you down and make you depressed thats all he did to me every day.....GOODBYE and thank you GOD for sending me my prince charming I plan to be the best women I ever been for my David. I feel so happy and loved.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Dreams of snakes....and reptiles...

As if theres not enough going on with me....My whole day was weird when I woke up from probably the worst nightmare I ever had last night. I dreamt a snake bite me between my thumb and index finger. I dreamt I kept trying to cut off a big lizards head but couldnt. I dreamt the snake that bite me got away in water and I told people hes getting away! and they said thats okay. lol. Saturday I got some crank calls on my cell phone which i never do. Maybe its larry stalking me since I called his PO, and thankfully havent heard a peep from him, which is healthier for me because hes just pure evil in human form. Did I have the dream because im worried about my baby....that is true, Im stressed. Work is really taking a toll of me, or really lack of work is. My finances are not even worthy of anything right now. I think the bum down the street has more money than me. Thats okay though. It wont be for long. I went on a job interview and I wanted that job so bad, but one of the interviwers kept looking at my tummy. I did really well on the intervview im just not sure if they want to hire a pregnant women. Today I didnt go to work, I didnt really want to do anything, my mom was late this morning, which made me get abel to school late, he missed the bus so I didnt even take him to school he had more fun at the splash pad anyways, I spent my last ten bucks on some burger king for us, and I did everything I can to not work today and it worked. It worked out so it doesnt look like I called in, I can always do that with my work, its pretty nice but i just rescheduled a visit with one of the kids. Im going to pray all night tonight. I pray that whatever that was just leaves me alone and I rebuke it in the name of Jesus. It really really has me thrown off, but ill get over it, I always move on after anything else.

Monday, September 20, 2010

CHANGE IS HERE

Its so late on a sunday early monday morning, but I was thinking about last week. Thinking about how I called Larrys probation officer, and the police and reported all the harrassing phone calls and even told PO im going to get a order of harrassment. I havent got the order but plan to monday, but Ihavent received a phone call txt nothing. It felt good to do that. For once I really didnt give a shit about what happens to his ass. Enough is Enough.  We dont need him, We never did.   Daniel and me are getting along, its nice to get along with him, but Im not sure if its a permeant things, but the feeling of normal life feels good sometimes. He kissed my tummy and said I love you madison. Im thankful for him most of the time, cause hes the only person on the planet that endures my crazy ass right now.lol. I txt him all day screaming and crying as I keep trying to find a job and he always manages to make laugh or tell me to get it together. lol. Saturday I went to banner estrella to register for a bone marrow drive for a guy that has lekuima my friend lucy knew everyone it was really cool, and I was happy to be there, and maybe be a match.  I almost was in his shoes when I was in the hopsital in oct 2008 remember they said I have bone marrow cancer, and maybe leukemia but two weeks later I had nothing....MIRACLES....I tell you, they are all around me.... I love my life. I love where its going. Its not perfect, Im broke...im pregnant...frustrated cry all the time  but you know what....Its my life and its awesome. This Logo totally describes me...lol...Im not playing anymore....and hes going to find out.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

PEACE AND HAPPINESSS...

Me and abel went to the pioner museum in flagstaff a few weeks ago
I been having so much fun. Me and abel went to flagstaff together it was beautiful. We had a nice drive it was peaceful. I needed that drive to clear my mind and get some thoughts together. It was great, it was life changing. During that drive I prayed hard. In fact I prayed the whole time. I got a stronger sense of clarity and my faith become stronger and more knowledable in fact of what is the next step for me and and my family. I leared alot about my thoughts and what upsets me, and I prayed to let that go. I  dont worry about things anymore like I was because I dont need too, God has a plan for me. Ever since then I have noticed how people close to me have made comments trying to judge me or say things that could potential harm me emotionally. It doesnt work. I just ignore negavitty block it,and pray for the person that trys to steals my happiness one day they find the peace that I have cause the future has nothing but love and happiness and im thankful for it, thank you Jesus this single mom is floating on a cloud, Jesus has put his hands over me and I just let him guide the way.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Feeling Okay

Im okay today. This week really wasnt. School is back in session which means my work schedule is later, which means having to pick up my mom from work is more stressful than before and picking up my son. I am going through extreme exhaustion just trying to find A job that I can work in the day and have nights off. I got my substitute license which is cool, but there is not that many openings....I will keep trying. Using my degree would be okay if their would be anything in the criminal justice field open right now. Ughhh Then to top off everything I go through my brother decides to bring his kids to stay with him at my moms. It wouldnt be a big deal....if he supported himself....he doesnt so me and my mom not only have to support him and now his kids...He decided to go off on me for not leaving the door open so he can leave his kid hear alone after school causing me to go into extreme stress and go in the hospital to get help for the contractions. I just dont know what to do anymore have the time. Im just trying to take it one day at a time, and try to to look forward to the future I will make for me and my kids. I bought Madison I forgot to tell you guys im having a girl!! yeah!! Just that makes me sooo happy. I cant wait to see her, hold her...everything. I want to give my kids everything I can. Im not going to stop until I do. I cant give up. Not anymore.




 Lilypie Maternity tickers

Monday, July 19, 2010

Stresses

I got weak yesterday. I was sad I let stuff get to me. Talking to Daniel does not help me,...I dont know why i do this to myself...Even  getting harrassing calls from larrys strippers is not  helping me at all. I keep asking god how did I get blessed with another baby at this point in my life..?? I dont really understand right now..but i need to keep my head up. Im trying so hard with so many people judging me right now and asking questions it feels weird. Its like a secret to me or something..its not something I randomly brag about or something.
I guess its my living situation, work situation and everything in between just adds up, not to mention my truck its driving me nuts. I pray that god finds me another job. I been up since two am finishing notes and have to be to work by eight. I pray that god gives me strength to stay away from daniel and get child support from larry and move on. I wish I could stay home with my son so bad.  I have to be the bread winner for him. I just wish one day God would send us a good man that will love us and we will love him back.

Monday, June 28, 2010

I graduated ASU !! and then more changes...






I  havent updated in a while I been more stressed and lost than anything. I keep asking myself dude....what are you doing hustle..hustle hustle....I cant stop. Well I graduated ASU and that was a very proud day in my life. I thought it would never happen. My family and friends came and I was tickled pink to say the least. When I got my degree I looked up and saw my son and I almost melted I never have been prouder than since he was born.He is my rock he is my light, that I know I have to keep going for. It was awesome I had a little dinner at oaxaca resturant I had a blast. I really really had a blast it felt like everything that I worked for, and cried for actually made sense. I love my family and friends for being there it was so cool. Well, I keep trying to find a regular job and right now its soooo hard its like me and 10 million others are doing the same thing. I just pray the economy changes. Well, life seems to throw curves at you just when you feel its perfect. I found out i was preganant after I graduated. To make a long story short I was really not going to have it but couldnt go through with that. That is so awful it happens every few minutes all over the united states and I couldnt be part of that. I was like what the hell am I gonna do with another baby, OMG I feel like killing myself...so childish of me to say that...but thats what I thought of. Time went on I told my mom and she was okay with it..all she said is ummmm, lol. I was like woow at least she didnt call me a stupid ass like last time. I know I have alot of work ahead of me. I still need to finish my breast reconstruction, and my throyoid is cutting off my breathing at times. I dont want to tell anyone but thats what going on. Im really not in the best of health my docs told me but they think i i should be okay. Im neverous sometimes, I feel like panicking. Im 33 pregant single, with a little boy. Its seems like alot but I always can find this inner strength inside that sometimtes I think I didnt have. Just when I feel like everything is too much I always find out its not. I have come to realize that I have been able to mask for years my confusion with sex and men. Being a victim of child molestation for many years my versions of sex with men and relationships have been distorted.   I refuse to be afraid to stand up. I love my son abel, and I love my new daughter to come. We are surviors and no one is going to take that away from. This is my baby and we are going to have a good life together and im going to do my best to show my children a good life.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Abel turned three!!

My Love Turned three! We had the most awesome day at enchanted Island and I keep saying it doesnt get any better than him. Im so proud of my baby boy. Everytime I look in his eyes I fall in love everyday. I love my son so much and Im so thankful he is here. I wouldnt do anything different he my miracle. I celebrate his birthdays like christmas. 
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Sunday, March 28, 2010


Abel was dedicated today at church!! Im so proud of him. He was a little grumpy hes not feeling really well but he did good. I was so proud to be up there holding my son, I could feel the love and the blessing that god was sending me to be able to give to my son. Hes the best blessing that ever happened to me. Tommorow is my big day!! Going to the hospital at 445am Wish me luck!!
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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Tears...

These days suck. Tears coming out...tests tommorow....the babies sick.....Im negative in my checking out....my bipolar boyfriend wants to fight with me. My mom keeps making ugly faces at me....I always wonder why these days happen. Its like when its bad....it only gets worse....Well, im gonna wipe the tears away I dont have time to cry because I need to study, and figure out probabilities at the same time while watching coraline with my sick lil boy. He had a bad cold and now pink eye. Im praying it goes away tommorow....The daycare will not like it....lol......Well anyways Monday is coming soon and I have to attempt Im scared, its like re-traumatizing someone. Its bad enough I went mad after the surgery and some how came back to earth but....i kind of got used to have one big boob one small one...But I cant wait though Im going to feel normal again, sexy. Im gonna wear low cut shirts..lol. Its a status symbol to have fake boobs in this world so im gonna play into it. I dont know maybe. I cant help but feel overwhelmed right now, but its almost over. The day I graduate im going to say self, you did it, good job. I wish sometimes that some one was cheering me on....like when I do homework or I need to study.....like saying study you can do it!! Im proud of you. Its really not important ,but it would help sometimes...like maybe take away the knot thats in my stomach of stress and lonliness. Like my boyfriend says Im D.E.S....No Im not IM SMART. Im going to show everyone how much me and may fake boobs can get the hell out of here...never come back...never visit.....never nothing....for this torment.
At least my son will be proud of me when I graduate thats all thats matters. My boyfriends right its all about survival right now....he likes to remind me of how much im on my own....and how much harder I have to work. thanks Daniel.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

March 29

That date keeps running through my  head. Im going back in the hospital to get my expander on my right side...finally so I can start to be done with this. No one actually knows what its like to run around with one boob bigger than the other...I laugh about it...but im tired of it...Especially when I lean down sometimes and can see a big implant just sitting in my bra sticking to my skin...ughhhh. I had the most funniest day at work  today climbing camelback mountain. it was so hard! THe kid I was working with had a ball watching me struggle but I did it. I been on spring break so I kind of really took a break from school but tommrow im gonna catch up on some reading and studying. A downer to my day was when I got home my mom told me that she cant handle watching my son. I know I shouldnt take it hard, but I dont understand how she says that but doesnt want anyone else to help me or watch him.  I feel bad. I feel alone. I hate this feeling. I even scheduled my March 29th hospital overnight stay alone. Then I think its really bad, that i think im going to enjoy being alone. I will miss my son of course but not home. I dont feel like this house is my home anymore. I dont feel comfortable living with her. Im still working on my credit...its going good....I have to graduate....then I will work in the day...and this will be over....I think I want to move FAR. Like Gilbert...SO She wont come over. Dont get me wrong my mom is my best friend,  but I feel like she takes my brother who stays here buys nothing, no food pays no bills....and doesnt say anything to him....but she does to me...and I think she got mad because I took the cable box back....lol...I dont even watch TV!! why should I pay for my brother to sit and watch cable and eat my food no thanks. Im just gonna pray and keep praying.. that god keep showing me the way down  the path of clarity, and to that family life that I want for my son. Good Sleep. My brother came home at four in the morning and woke my son up and he didnt go to sleep till 6 am. Peace. I called DES to see about fostering a toddler...abel needs a playmate..by then we will be moved out...and I feel i can start my life. I feel like im runing and runing like a hamster...and I never reach my goal. Im going to reach it, Im going to reach my goals...im gonna move, im gonna provide for my son and im going to remember i dont need anyone all I need is Jesus and he will make everything right for me.  Thank you Jesus Thank you so much for my life.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Changed...

It has forver since I have been on here. Im sooooo much better. Im not losing my mind anymore. lol. I never was it was just me. I still havent had my corrective surgery but am going back to the plastic surgerons office. I sure hope he has good news for me, Summer is coming up and I want to wear tanks tops. Hullo....;-) Lately I have been overstressed. Im so deep in school and work and the baby, its feels so overwhelming and trying to be able to buy a house. I need a home, really bad. I mean i do have one, I live with my mom but now, im just so frustrated of being here. I cant live at my moms house anymore its going to drive me insanne. TO top it off she bugs me when I ask her to watch him so I can study, she bugs me about every aspect of my life and im fed up. Today she spanked my son.  I dont even spank my son. She got mad because i told her not to do it......she was in shock I said dont do that, dont do that!  I dont even do that. My son was crying becuase he was tired and she decided to spank him why he was on his stomach crying trying to get in bed. Shes not talking to me and I dont care she shouldnt be hitting peoples kids...sorry Im venting on here but  I think my mom is in my life too much and im going to get her out. Im not saying that i dont love her, Im just tired of her in my life. She always asks about my boyfriend, I dont tell her anything, I dont confide in her like i use too and im not....I feel bad but im gonna pray about it and ask god to help me with this one. I love you Jesus you are so wonderful.

About Me

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Highly interested in the future of my two children...and creating postive memories for them is my goal. Im a single mother, a ASU graduate and a social worker...by accident.