Sunday, March 28, 2010

Abel was dedicated today at church!! Im so proud of him. He was a little grumpy hes not feeling really well but he did good. I was so proud to be up there holding my son, I could feel the love and the blessing that god was sending me to be able to give to my son. Hes the best blessing that ever happened to me. Tommorow is my big day!! Going to the hospital at 445am Wish me luck!!
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Wednesday, March 24, 2010


These days suck. Tears coming out...tests tommorow....the babies sick.....Im negative in my checking bipolar boyfriend wants to fight with me. My mom keeps making ugly faces at me....I always wonder why these days happen. Its like when its only gets worse....Well, im gonna wipe the tears away I dont have time to cry because I need to study, and figure out probabilities at the same time while watching coraline with my sick lil boy. He had a bad cold and now pink eye. Im praying it goes away tommorow....The daycare will not like anyways Monday is coming soon and I have to attempt Im scared, its like re-traumatizing someone. Its bad enough I went mad after the surgery and some how came back to earth but....i kind of got used to have one big boob one small one...But I cant wait though Im going to feel normal again, sexy. Im gonna wear low cut Its a status symbol to have fake boobs in this world so im gonna play into it. I dont know maybe. I cant help but feel overwhelmed right now, but its almost over. The day I graduate im going to say self, you did it, good job. I wish sometimes that some one was cheering me when I do homework or I need to saying study you can do it!! Im proud of you. Its really not important ,but it would help maybe take away the knot thats in my stomach of stress and lonliness. Like my boyfriend says Im D.E.S....No Im not IM SMART. Im going to show everyone how much me and may fake boobs can get the hell out of here...never come back...never visit.....never nothing....for this torment.
At least my son will be proud of me when I graduate thats all thats matters. My boyfriends right its all about survival right now....he likes to remind me of how much im on my own....and how much harder I have to work. thanks Daniel.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

March 29

That date keeps running through my  head. Im going back in the hospital to get my expander on my right side...finally so I can start to be done with this. No one actually knows what its like to run around with one boob bigger than the other...I laugh about it...but im tired of it...Especially when I lean down sometimes and can see a big implant just sitting in my bra sticking to my skin...ughhhh. I had the most funniest day at work  today climbing camelback mountain. it was so hard! THe kid I was working with had a ball watching me struggle but I did it. I been on spring break so I kind of really took a break from school but tommrow im gonna catch up on some reading and studying. A downer to my day was when I got home my mom told me that she cant handle watching my son. I know I shouldnt take it hard, but I dont understand how she says that but doesnt want anyone else to help me or watch him.  I feel bad. I feel alone. I hate this feeling. I even scheduled my March 29th hospital overnight stay alone. Then I think its really bad, that i think im going to enjoy being alone. I will miss my son of course but not home. I dont feel like this house is my home anymore. I dont feel comfortable living with her. Im still working on my credit...its going good....I have to graduate....then I will work in the day...and this will be over....I think I want to move FAR. Like Gilbert...SO She wont come over. Dont get me wrong my mom is my best friend,  but I feel like she takes my brother who stays here buys nothing, no food pays no bills....and doesnt say anything to him....but she does to me...and I think she got mad because I took the cable box dont even watch TV!! why should I pay for my brother to sit and watch cable and eat my food no thanks. Im just gonna pray and keep praying.. that god keep showing me the way down  the path of clarity, and to that family life that I want for my son. Good Sleep. My brother came home at four in the morning and woke my son up and he didnt go to sleep till 6 am. Peace. I called DES to see about fostering a toddler...abel needs a then we will be moved out...and I feel i can start my life. I feel like im runing and runing like a hamster...and I never reach my goal. Im going to reach it, Im going to reach my gonna move, im gonna provide for my son and im going to remember i dont need anyone all I need is Jesus and he will make everything right for me.  Thank you Jesus Thank you so much for my life.

About Me

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Highly interested in the future of my two children...and creating postive memories for them is my goal. Im a single mother, a ASU graduate and a social accident.