Wednesday, December 28, 2011

I havent been on here for a while....meaning I havent got a chance to write. Its been three months post OP and Im doing awesome. Of course there is healing still going on...like with sensations on the incisions and the left side of my face having cold and warmth sensations depending on what I eat if its hot or cold. My tounge numbs up alot but eventually stops after a while. I tell people you have no idea whats it like when your tounge is asleep.lol. I forgot alot of things but remember things I normally wouldnt.
I really believe the brain tumor was causing me emotional problems and anger issues or something. I feel so relieved its out and so different its out its a new me. Im so much more relaxed and have a postive outlook on life. I started working as a substitute teacher and I love it alot. Im having fun going to different schools and learning how different age groups interact. I have even decided to become a certified teacher and go to real estate school at the same school. Hopefully by the first of the year I can square this away.
Things are looking up. A sad part if you read about me and my life is about my boyfriend David. We are no longer together and this was shortly after my surgery. It took me alot of crying, I mean alot...to the point I couldnt take it no more but its over. He even txt me he is getting married. I laugh at that because I doubt it, but dont have the emotions for him to really care. God knows my love for him was true and Im going to hold that close to me. As for dating anyone else well....my very first boyfriend ever Gabe Mendoza is hanging out lol...hes cool hes really funny a nice healthy change to have someone around that actually helps with everything and just doesnt roll their eyes like David did. Gabe actually gave me money because he said he knew i needed it, something David never did. I shouldnt compare but its like wow what a difference. Gabe is even helping me with a fundraiser for my sons Friend from school who died in a accident in the parking lot here by my house. He was four years old. https://www.facebook.com/#!/events/133016643478869/   here is a link to the event I am so excited. So christmas just passed im super broke but who cares lol..
I got everything for the kids I watched them open it. I loved it. Abel loves his bike Maddy her toys. God blessed us.  Another blessing im hoping is that Abels Dad pays his court ordered child support. That went down in Nov so im crossing my fingers he pays it cause it takes money to raise a kid. Men out there think they can get away with having kids and not paying for them no way no how....not right karma always gets you back worse....since he owes 14,000 back pay sorry buddy.

God is so good...>AND on Friday Maddy turns One and I turn 35!!!          im having a lil chin dig for Maddy burger.......anyways KIDS are sick its so rough and Im on xmas break from school....and taking care of my babies....till we meet again Blog.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

I MADE IT!!! iM HOME..

 The Dream Team I call of them!! THEY were my angels god sent to walk with me through this! M e and abel the  night before..
HI ALL! Im home I been home for a while now...4 days after the surgery. God works miracles and he worked one on me!!! I dont want to go in gory details because maybe you have a weak stomach. It is what it was Brain surgery. Scary I know...if you were like me and have to have the same surgery I looked online for peoples blogs to see what they said and only scared myself even more. Just the idea can make anyone scared to death for themselves...or if they know someone going through a pending brain surgery. Well as you can see my surgery was sept 12, 2011 at Banner Good Samaritan in phoenix arizona. I was scheduled to arrive at five am. THe night before some of my family and friends came over for a little bbq and some prayer to send me off to the hospital with love.
David my love...picked me up at 5am...my mom got the kids ready....to go with my sis in law...surgery wasnt supposed to be till 730am...
The ride up there was .....well weird...I kept asking David to keep driving and lets go somewhere...lol...In a way I was serious he knew I was ...but we keep laughing about it..
During check-in  I was shaking....and kept saying this has to be a nightmare....in some way....
I ended up in ICU prep area....which was weird and blue and I kept David so close to me...no one was their yet.
I had a special MRI that was supposed to be like a GPS and the had prob things on my head. David went in the MRI with me and stood next to the machine. It made me feel so good he was there. It made me feel so safe. Just thinking about it makes me cry..
I hadnt seen my mom yet...so after the MRI I was crying and scared...finally when they were wheeling me out..in the hallway I saw my mom and my auants and yelled out MOM..and she came running and I said come with me..my auants all hugged me...and we went in for the final parts before I go.
Everyone walked in with me and was crying...I felt scared more because their eyes...had such fear...I then remember the blue room...I was wheeled into and all kinds of people doing things and choking on the anthesia then waking up seriously head bandaged and wanting it off. I woke up proud though. I woke up thankful I felt free.!!
I was in the hospital four days..and amazed everyone. They thought I was going to have problems talking i had known my memory is fine.... I dohave some complications from the spinal fluid removal and have pain in my legs when i walk but it will go away i pray in time.
If your reading this and are in the same situation I was .Dont be afraid. Read my story MY testimony in life and know anything can happen when you have faith in God.  Find God hes right next you he will listen to your fears, and anything else and heal you. I promise.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

THE CROWN JEWEL OF THEM ALL>


I almost forgot about the best person in the world!!! My mother the cream of the crop the strongest lady in the world...she is the the 1# force behind me, helping me....praying for me.... doing everything she can to make me better....I love you mom...you are my best friend my only friend...and I thank you for everything you have done for me growing up...and now helping me with my health, my school my kids and my life. God Bless you and thank you Jesus for making you my mother. Your the precious jewel that makes everything better from food...to laughs to hurts...to telling me to shut up lol...your my mom and I will never leave you...We are stuck sorry...hahah
Thank you for everything....and I know I will get out of this.....Mom I have too We have so many plans...and I promise we will go to hawaii for your 60th birthday...maybe bring the kids too wth...!!!

I Love you.
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3 days till Brain Surgery...

This is how I been spending my few Months before my surgery........................
jennys Bday I never miss it!!

 Roberta and Corina!!!
 with PRincess Maddy...who ironically her brothers fav toys are also her as well.....


 My comadre Lucy I dont know what i would do with out her.
 and of course the KING in my life...My lil son...the apple of my eye...the lil boy...who never lets me rest..cause he loves his mommy..BIG ABEL...
 We went to the first cardinal preseason game against the chargers
 I did what i Love to do...Jet ski!!! in laughlin...............actually...I just love to Jet ski anywhere!!
 Hang out with the panda...David... Iknow I know...when you read the past blogs your like...this girls in love with him...still.....I am.....<3 and well...he loves me too.....so lets do this!!!!
I feel like im counting down to a new me! As if brain surgery is something to look forward too...hehehhe but at least I am mentally and spirtually ready for this. I been trying to do to the most I can before the surgery enjoying the days, enjoying the people in my life its been a beautiful time I have been having I feel like most of the time its a dream every day is such a blessing!! I been spending so much time with the kids I been spending time with my family and friends....I love life right now...
I have the worst sinus infection and ear infection that I am working hard to get rid of before surgery....
laughlin was a blast...a reall blast I enjoyed David...and seeing him accidently throwing us off the jet ski haha that was fun.
.only thing Daniel has been putting in work to make me miserable.... ;-(  I refuse to let Daniel keep doing this and doing this time. It has to stop. He was made because I didnt tell him i was going to laughlin with David I did lie...because he would have made it so I couldnt have went. Yes lying is bad...I shouldnt of did that...but the only way to get him to help me was that selfish yes...will I do it again now...Daniel is no longer in my kids life. His statment of I got other kids to support, and Maddy is really loud omg..... THATS YOUR KID>.... oh and come pick up your daughter....My daughter should I have paid him to babysit....
REALLY....hopefully my visit to child support and the restraining order will help him learn...A. No more communication...and name calling...he can do or he will go to jail..
            B. Maddy needs money and theres no if and or butts..
            C. TO late to fix....AND to stop calling my brain surgery a lie....I wish it was...
Daniel will no longer be in my kids lives and thats the end of story...unless child support ....deems he can have visits but the restraining order is in the process of being served..so BAM. go away negativity...your no longer allowed over her...go away far from me and my family.
I refuse to let him try to get me down...we are not together and havent been for a very long time...he doesnt own me...cause we have a kid..or need to know what Im doing all I can do is pray for him...that he gets help with his issues that he has been unable to control or understand for years...and can understand how much life and love and happiness is more important than misery.
bye negativity go away now...find some light...you will be okay...
LIFE IS STILL BEAUTIFUL FRIENDS>>>>>>>>>> the surgery is the start of a new beginning a new fresh start to a new me.....for me and my kids...

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Strength from Above...

Thats where I keep getting my strength I can feel it. I can smell it. I can feel the angels hand on my back letting me know its going to be okay. The part that is the hardest is the fear of the unknown.  I remember when I was a detention officer in training thats what the sgt said.. the hardest part is the fear of the unknown. To overcome your fears will make you be able to handle anything that happens at work and in your life. He made a impact on me, cause whatever I do that I never done before I always picture him saying that and for some reason it always makes me feel safe and better. I say well lets go I got this. I mean if I used to run into grown men fighting in the jail like no bodys business. lol..I kind of feel like im fighting right now to get that feeling back.
I was young, I had endurance, I had no fear I was healthy...I want it back.  I want my endurance back my health...and like yesterday I went hiking on thunderbird mountain it practically took my whole might. I mean seriously..> im just hard on myself you know... I used to run up and down like nothing...and my big o butt..was struggling stiff but I did it and I felt good.
I feel like im fighting for my life back..and I want it bad enough im not giving up. I also have a little wager going on with DAVID.  I have to prove to him..im strong. Im actually proving to myself..I can do anything like I used to...My healthy long life will continue I will get my mind strong..my body...all for God first...my family  then Me....My kids need me...without me in the world they are on their own...so Im gonna put this out their in the universe now..I wanna be alive I wanna be healthy I wanna raise my kids.....so im here to stay in this world.Like I told my mom Im not going out with out a fight..I been going to aerboics everyday...or hiking..or walking....Im goinf to heal and its going to be fast. Thank you Jesus for another day.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Continuing to Heal...

Woa...its 5 am and my whole body is in pain! Yesterday I  went to two aerobic classes and my body is hurting and I love it cause it means that something is happening. I finally decided to get rid of my baby pooch and extra weight im carrying im really really tired...of it. I should take before and after pics..right now I weight 180 lbs...so four hours of cardio a day...before surgery I think im gonna put a dent in that number fast.
Anyways I been okay still doing what I can do. My umemployment is still off for know I pray that they give it back soon, I wanna take abel to the movies and buy some things I need and Maddy needs. I went this Friday to my friend Jennys party she turned 35!  Im right behind her I love seeing my friend Jenny happy. Shes a fellow brain surgery winner she had brain surgery two years ago...and she is doing wonderful! Gotta love Jenny she is one of the true friends you dont get everyday.
My comadre Lucy turned 40 this weekend too..I was sooo upset I missed her Party but I had to pick up Maddy from Daniels to take her in to er...cause he said she had a fever.only reason I took her cause im neverous cause I havent got her test results yet...from the surgery but I will  this week...I know shes fine..Anyways Im hanging in their...life is like im a playground...you play you might fall but get up again and keep playing!!

YOu would be so surprised on how ABel is doing in school SO WELL>>>> he is talking alot  I mean alot!!! First day of preschool he said he is wrestling the fish...lol..He learned that from Robertas boy emilio..he really loves emilio he watches him sometimes and Abel loves him to death!
Their is Miss Maddy..in her new little jumper I love her so much...and Abel I love my lil Family I feel so blessed!!!!!!!!!!!! God knows I do and I pray that he continues to bless me and get me through everything like he always does!
ANyways have a blessed day world and make it  count we will never get today again...and Ill im gonna keep doing is keeping my head up..

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Tired but New...








Good evening...My Blog...lol... I dont l know who reads this but...I love my blog...its a way to set out my thoughts as my online diary...Anyways...Well Ihave some updates.. We went to DisneyLand!!! AS you can see from above...soooo fun to see abel have a blast with my little niece they both had their little smiles the whole time it was so cool...I also had fun....of course...my mom and my auant went as well. Seeing my mom at Disneyland is so cool since she has been there many times before and always made it magical for me in some way when I was a kid...so im trying to do that for my Kiddies...It was fun...but the whole time their was somethings in the back of my mind...  ;-(

Maddy was in the hospital again..  It was a horrendous couple of days before I went to Disneyland..Maddy had emergency surgery on one of her ovaries...she is 6 months old... BUT she can still have children she has another ovary and everything is intact...which makes me happy...at least...but she is a lil trooper...she went through everything and jumped right back to normal..

Im kinda at a lose for words right now...It was a crazy ride...but thankfullys...shes okay...we finished our trip...and everything is trying to go smoothly as it can...right? DANIEL>>>>> is being the worst human that could be and thankfully is leaving me alone...Just talking about him...gets me mad... I just got a audit...from unemployment about starting my job for one day...ughhh and brain surgery is still in a couple of weeks...;-( I know I know...but I feel free....right now.....I feel like I can do anything...Ill finish in detail tommorow... love Me.
Okay Im back!! Maddy was so grouchy this morning..and abel loves going on a popsicle frenzy...lol...Well to continue what I was talking about Maddy was in the hospital...and had emergency surgery...on a cyst on her ovary..I went into denial..blame..and just blame Froze like the lizard from Rango all in seconds but I made it through like I always do..She did surgery so well minimal scaring..everything back to being a happy baby....it was great...and now im thankful shes okay..and she will have kids cause she still has one ovary.
Im actually doing well these days despite...my Consistent Issues...Hahah I can laugh at everything...every one drama after another right...My brain surgery was supposed to be a week ago but I postponed it..I dont know why...I wish I didnt...but whatever its done...its just like waiting for a Diseal to run you over right....
In a way but in a way not....People always say...you made yourself yourself sick...my mom the first one  to diagnosis me...in everything I do...soooo In true Love and Healing Energy ways...This past saturday I found out why I am having this serious health issues....

Saturday Alex Hermosilla had a Energy Healing Class Like he usually does...and I had the pleasure to attend...A real miracle ensumed...
I met a girl named Jami...a real heavenly sent person...she was partner in the class...she is so angelic...it was sooo cool...to work with her...In the class we practice energy healing on each other...well when this angelic women began to work on me...Very serious things started to happen;
1. I felt like a huge man elbowed me with all his might in my spine.
2. I then felt like he punched me in the stomach...
3. I began to shake..sweat...and fell so much relief throught my whole body....it was like I was new...I was barely born...like nothing ever happened to me...for the most part of the class I felt like I was floating...Although i wasnt feeling well when I entered the class..whatever happened to me that do took out out everything in my body that was not supposed to be there.... I even threw up...I was gagging why Jaime was working on me...
What happened to me you might think....Right?
 I went back to a place furtherest from my mind.... I went back to being six years old...at my nanas house...when I got molested by her husband my step grandfather....YES I said it...I spent years ignoring it..forgiving him I thought...but apparently I didnt. I went back to the moment where my innocence was took and I been mad about it ever since...and its made me sick...and now that it came out like the worst demon ever...I can now...move on...Crazy right...My mom had managed to keep me away from my dad...she didnt protect me in that incident...No one did..No One has for all these years and I been...mad..and in the hotel.... I let it go..>Finally....I must have not let it go....all this time...it came out like animal....>So what I want you to learn is....

1. Whatever happens to you can you hurt you into your bones...your cells your whole body makeup...and if you dont let it go it it can make you sick...physically...sick....
2. Learn to really..love if there is expectations....on it...its not love So love no matter what..and dont regret it...

Everyday is a miracle a blessing....If you dont look it at like that....your lost friends...

Think like a five year old...No hitting, no cussing, get along with others and play and be happy...and your life will be so blissful you wont remember nothing else....

This weekend  I was with David........hahaha I know I know..... I love that man....I tried to get away from him but I couldnt.
..Im trying to love him with no regrets...no expecations...every minute is precious with him to me...

My Journey Continues Friends...

My journey continues..

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Angels

They led me.  They led me to see Alex the man that continues to change my life.  God works through people and things all the time on Earth and Alex is one of the rare gifts that he left us.
http://www.masteryofenergyhealing.com/
I had my appointment yesterday.I went to see a movie with my son before the appointment and the movie ended being longer than I thought all of a sudden I had this urge to go and run to go see Alex. I got up out of the seat so fast it felt like something grabbed my arm and made me feel like I had to run so I did. Me and my kids ran to the car and I drove to see Alex. I drove so fast it was dangerous so I know the angels were leading my car. I know they were talking to me I could even hear praying and I was crying all the way there. When I arrived I felt safe, I felt came it felt like everything went away.
When Alex worked on me..it was like a miracle I could feel the tumor pulling and pulling out like there was a magnet on my head. I could feel it disolving like a bubble. It hurt of course but it was only Alex getting that  tumor out.
If you believe in Miracles believe in him, God is working through him hes a amazing person has saved so many lives and changed so many people. I know because im one of them. Thank you angels for leading me like you do and taking care of me, and thank you Jesus for taking care of me and loving me and letting me meet Alex because I know he saved my life.
If you dont do anything or have doubts dont...Dont doubt a gift and a miracle. Alex is just that. I feel so blessed and have so much love in my heart and peacefulness Thank you to my Angels, Jesus and Alex my team that loves me.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Tumor in the Brain....

Drum Roll Please............... I now  have to have brain surgery.  What else do you say to someone after they say that....

I found out last thurday...my brain tumor I have been watching for three years..has grown and needs to come out. Besides being so mad...I just kind of went into a mental coma...Im still walking around I thought but not really here....My mom took me to flagstaff friday saturday and sunday. It was very nice hard but nice...
It is what is. Im not giving up my friends.,..I have to get through this and I will for God, my kids and ME. Im learning alot about people...David has not called me...and to me he can kick rocks..what a phonie asshole...Daniel is going to be there of course...like he always is like it or not....and so is my mom and my family...


heres is my mommas. Poor Mom, I know she is so scared. She said if somethings happens to you i dont know what i will do. She said she feels like screaming...I said how do you think I feel...lol..we started laughing...Im trying to make sense of all this right now...I did start my new job and stop immediatley...;-(  What do you do when that stuff happens...Hi I know today is my first day...but I need time off already to have brain surgery...thank you....lmfao...

Shes going through too much....I love you Mom dont worry....I wont leave you I promise and If I do ill make sure you will win the lottery. I love you...
She hasnt been anywhere in years...so it was a beautiful change for her....Poor Mom shes a miracle laddy...she is a angel...Thank you for everything you do...God sees you and knows your doing everything for him.

Ill be okay...I just know it.....Amen.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Nervous Breakdown

YES. I can honestly say yesterday I had a almost serious breakdown. I started my new job. I also got news last friday my brain tumor grew...I started my new job this monday...by tuesday yesterday. I cant do it anymore. WTF is a menogomia...Idk...I really dont know..about anything anymore Im trying to focus...Im trying to do the right things...Abel was having a hard time at daycare Maddy is fine...my new job...is okay..but not im off for a little while...after 1.5 days...lmao...isnt that like the funniest im off already...till I found out if I need brain surgery...I dont reallly know wtf to do...Most of the time I wanna just run around screaming asking someone to help. me...Or just kill myself..that always comes to mind when I have no idea what to do,.ill figure it out...Im hoping...My mom is like dont worry just stay off work...yes I guess its that easy she thinks living here with her and my brother yes I love it....Ya fucking right...hmmm No body is going to make it better for me...No better is going to help me...I just feel like wtf did I do...everytime I can stand I fall and have to get up and then fall again...Maybe I still am having a nervous breakdown..until I see the dr thursday and find out what the hell...im a real life wreck...I dont know what im doing..I hope I keep my job..im planning a move to buckeye, I hope I dont have to have surgery..Im really really...tired of this BULL>..God is here I give him all my problems and let him handle it...I talked to David he said dont worry...dont worry...God will do the right thing..I know he will...https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/263860_2147470167340_1263890798_32605882_804437_n.jpg

I cant put pics up here today but the link above is me and my best friend carina it was her birthday so for the last two days we been celebrating lmao....Me and her live totally different lives...but still we are the same. She is so awesome I love her very much. When I tell her whats wrong Shes like dont worry fo you will handle it..and that pretty much the truth...Even though im complaining right and crying and screaming most of the day...I always handle it somehow.I always try and make a change and fix.problems...Im really good at fixing other peoples problems  but no one ever offers to fix mine.I feel yelling out i have a family too!!!!!!!!! FUCk you...lol...I dont even know what im talking about right now...so please excuse me...im still not at clear minded level..So today im going to put tons of thingd in a rented storage..in a effort to clear out needless toys and cluttter..and continue to figure out where actually my life is headed until thurs at 345...when I actually find out.  So dont worry most likely I wont kill myself...trust me..I wont leave my kids to be tortured growing up with my mother she did enough damage to her own kids...and B. I just wont...But have you ever just felt lost and have no idea where to turn...Im there...I feel like im in a little box...and cant breath...it feels awful...
SOOO to get my mind off....Im also going to work on phoenix princess.com

phoenixprincess.com..... My baby My dream my prize ....since I was a little girl....I got to pick up a new batch of shirts...and that kind of stuff makes me happy.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

A Job...

YES ladies and gentlemen I got a full time job!! Im neverous I havent really worked full time since Abel was born, but I know this is the right thing for us. They are still doing the background and stuff so it will be a few weeks but soon I will have my own desk again, another laptop, a office phone it sounds crazzy to me I cant believe it how in Four years my life has changed so much! Kids ,College, Health....

ABEL TURNED FOUR!! Pics  from his party to come my camera is somewhere around this house this is me and him on Sunday June 12th his birthday.  My lil King is four. I cant believe how time flies like this im so scared of him growing up thats why every minute with him is so precious and like Gold to me.


       MADDY BURGER IS FIVE MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Time is crazy heres she is saturday chillen by the pool at Abels Party
Look at her lil Face shes is adorable!! I keep falling in love with her all over again...every day...
Here is Maddy and Roberta arent they cute!!! Roberta is so beautiful. I always tell Maddy you better go with you other momma Roberta she loves u...;-) Roberta is a awesome lady, she listened to me all through my pregnancy helped me after and before...she is the superest friend you could have trust me.

So my new/old title as Case Manager is coming soon. Im pretty proud with my degree i was able to get alot more pay than before which is cool. Although I would have liked to start working in parole or probation but...well they are not hiring it really really sucks...so being a case manager for the mentally ill...is something that comes naturally to me. I did it for some years before...and did it well...

I was upset last night I been going through a extensive health check for my life insurance...and they sent me a letter that a MRI shows I have menegomia or "brain cancer". They are so stupid, I started crying...that was so awful to send a letter like that...You know why?? Because I dontt have Brain Cancer dum asses. That hurt just seeing it on a paper. It said "it looks like'. My doctor said i could have been born with it.. it hasnt grown in two years...it could be a mole...but he said we dont have to go in there if it doesnt change...since its not doing nothing to me..I dont like that life insurance and they are giving me my money back jerks..BUT  I do need to my neurologist anyways...so I will make an appointment...since i missed the last one that was a couple weeks ago, just to curb my worries...Omg its nothing...they are sooo dum....

Anyways...My Love Life is two thumbs down....and im okay with it...MY new job...My Kids...Gettting a house...working on phoenixprincess.com  only thing on my mind....I wish DANIEL would finally get the clue...I wish I could be with him...since he loves Maddy of course and Abel and is a good father...but I just cant...he thinks hes so smart and has one over on me...he also thinks im going to live at my moms forver...which he always...says that why you wont live with me..your scared...lmfao...NO not scared just saving the trip of moving back...and enduring needless suffering...he was on my FB it was sooo funnny...he tagged a pic of himself...and I put a comment to get it off...wth...your not my man....

David... Idont know what to say...he just kind of draws blank thoughts to me...and its going where its headed nowherre...Anyways im going to bed...and I gotta keep telling myself...keep your head...up...and always believe it will get better.

About Me

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Highly interested in the future of my two children...and creating postive memories for them is my goal. Im a single mother, a ASU graduate and a social worker...by accident.