Monday, January 31, 2011

Back to New Image .and SOME BIG behaviors!!

Maddy is starting to feel better!! yeah maddy...Happy one month !! Its 10:30pm...over barely getting some rest..well free time Im on the internet eating a nutty bar and its sooo good right now. The baby is in the swing next time looking at me so cute and big abel is asleep finally. These past couple of weeks have been so hard for abel and me. We are adjusting to the new baby and our new life with her. Abel seems to be having some attention seeking issues right now and has subdued to start hitting and slapping me. Its painful I mean super painful, hes is a three year old but can pack a strong decided on a plan for him..I could admit I was trying to spank him on the bottom and tell him why he is being spanked and time seems to sort of work...but now he thinks he  can just hit me when hes mad so that was a bad idea, I been ignoring him...sort of working until he calms down...time out is working im trying to be stern trying to make my voice deep since their is no man really around for him...maybe a deep voice would do the trick right. Im trying everything and keeping him on a daily schedule and not giving up on helping him understand that nothing has changed in our lives and I love him to death so much hes the apple of my eye, the love of my life the heart outside my body... I will do anything to make sure my son doesnt feel like he is left out or bad about our new addtion. He will learn that maddie is a good thing and will love her its an adjustment for us that is going to make our life better and I know that I have to remain solid and strong for him to help him understand. Everyone says well he needs a man to discipline him with his like okay can  you send a man over...Yes send a man over to discipline him thank you...SIGH.....Im not going to give up he will get over this phase my baby boy. 
Well on a brighter note... iwent to the Plastic surgeon on friday all excited I want to schedule my surgery finally FINISH my breast reconstruction and get this expander out and get my boobs to match each other in size..the dr. squeezed my boob a lil and milk came out. Hes like are you breast feeding? I said a lil. He looked so shocked and called the nurse in and told her and they said no way thats But your going to have to stop and come back in six weeks....urgggg I thought I wanted to get this done now before i go to work...again....I was a little upset but when i got to my truck I said well its almost over dont worry....and took some deep breaths and I actually love the drive to scottsdale...long drives im used to and they give me time to myself to clear up my thoughts I realized I have soooo much to do....good things but alot of work ahead of me..Finish my breast surgery throyid surgery....I need to start my business plan for the website...find a regular hour job...finish my credit cleanup...wait and watch it go up...and finally move into my own home....ahhhh my own home...sounds sooooo beautiful and awesome...a door I walk in and if their is a mess when I left soooo what Yesssssss!!!  My mess is so I better get my lil fingers a working cause in a few hours ms. maddy moo will be up to eat again...I love my life...all tired and all...

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

RSV suck....Respitory Virus???


RSV...and it can be fatal to newborns....then NICU...Thats all I been hearing since saturday evening that the doctor told me that at the phoenix childrens hospital...these acroyms...I would learn totally about in the next few days to come....
On Saturday...the 22nd of Jan...I found madison blue and trying to breath in the bassinett....I didnt panick...thats the worst I knew I could do... I started to pat her on the back and blew in her face...she madea a loud whistle sound and went limp but managed to start breathing and I watched her. I called her dad even though I been steering pretty clear of him because I was really worried...of course he didnt answer..and text me to put vicks on her chest..and that im overreacting...which I will talk about later...anyways...I called her pediatrican which I just went to take her too on friday because she appeared sick..and had a 99.1  fever...abels sick...and of course I got it too...we been coughing and had didnt seem like flu but just a bug. Her doc said just keep watching her and doing the humidifer like Ibeen doing and cleaning out her nose. Well...he should have tested her for RSV what if I didnt find her not breathing what if  feel asleep or something...the what ifs keep going through my head..but thankfully i found her. It was like it was meant to me because my wonderful best friend Robertta just had picked up abel so i could take care of madison and me she said you never rest...little did I know...I really would get no rest in the next couple of days. My mom had borrowed my car and about 15 minutes after I was watching my  daughter sleep my mom came and we left immediatley to PCH.
We arrived and in no time they were admitting her to the Newborn Intestive Care unit and she would be in a isolation room.. Everyone had to wear these protection suits for themselves...for their safety and hers...the next couple of days were a blur...suctioning her nose...oxygen for her...every two hours...feedings...a small couch...with a blanket and a pillow for me...waking up every two hours...maybe less...eating in the cafeteria...going back..before she wakes was scary... it was scary that her mucos just keep coming and coming and coming...she was so tired...and her lil weak cries...I prayed alot...slept a little...but I kept knowing that she will be okay and she is... ;-) We got home yesterday. I was okay with going home her mucos was not as bad at all enough for a bulb suctioner her cough is good they said even though I feel bad when she coughs her lil chest...sounds painful....

I learned alot about the last couple of days...I actually in the last couple of months have learned so cousin got killed in november over a brothers child hood friend got shot while he was sleeping in his house for no reason at daughter got a cold that could be fatal for made me stop and think HEY, pay attention more...calm down....I was not blaming myself...but I think the stress from work they want to lay me off and not give me my twelve week maternity leave they want me to go back asap...which is weird when I dont even work ten hours a week....Abel has been having some issues because of Madison which i know is normal...I think...the o ther day he slapped me hard when he was in the bath tub because I told him to get out.. I did start crying lol...becuase we had just ran home from the doctors office becuase I forget madisons formula...and managed to get abel to chase me, we only live 5 minutes away from the docs office..and I fed her and got him in the bath and was exhausted  because of lack of sleep with him being sick, me being sick...and the new babys when I started crying I yelled out leave me alone!!! My son looked at me and hugged me and said im sorry...mommy I said put your PJs on and go to bed..for the first time in his 3.5 years he did what I said...he has had more incidents but they are fading off I keep talking to him and tell him i love him and include him with his sister.
I think for most families maybe its easier in these transition times when a new sibling comes in because both parents can help each other when one feels hes not getting attention....Well its just mee...but im learning how to spread it out...Abel and Madison have been to daniels and he does help but its not a 24-7 for sure thing which is okay by me whatever  helps.
I should  have been more proactive and worn a mask when I was nursing her, and asked for more help with abel instead of letting him just cough everywhere, he should of just stayed somewhere...I cant beat myself up anymore but Im just so glad... I caugght my daughter on time...and everything is okay..with her...and I promise to be dilgent in making sure she is warm and stays away and is safe as much as I can do from sick people even though Im sure I gave it to her but im her only care giver...being a single mom is hard on us...and the situations like this...but we made it and my kiddos will always make it through...i never give up ever.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Sleep....whats that....

My Good Friend Roberta Shes sooooo sweet she came over to see maddy, her heart is like a golden heart that is so pure and shines so much thank you for her being in our life. Shes Maddys angel. Love you Roberta..

Heres she is a week old in this pic! tommorow she will be two weeks old time flies like crazy!!!  Well im  just sitting here wanting to go back to sleep but abels here and of course its morning, and well, thats just not in the cards right now he cant watch  Last night was rough. Maddy had tummy problems I think it was because of what i ate since im nursing her, because she could not sleep and i was falling asleep holding her. About 2 am she eventually fell asleep and I was up again at 7 am. It was weird last night all kinds of thoughts were going through my head, probably because of lack of sleep, no nap in the day i been napping in the day since we got home, so when she goes to sleep I do too, and abels been going to daycare, or school giving me time. I cried alot last night, I dont know why. To be honest I cry all the time since I got home from the hospital. The hospital said if I feel sad to call this post pardum depression line and they will help. I called it they did help me. I dont wanna cry but I feel sad and its just weird. lol...I know its my hormones, but Icant help but wonder why do I feel like this crying is not real, then I feel guilty that im crying I feel like im being selfish or something. I know this will pass I mean I hope this will pass fast. Madison is a lil blessing. Shes so cute and innocent and little. Her lil eyes and her lil cry are the cutiest thing. I love dressing her up and talking to her I always tell her about abel and how he was when he was a baby, and to not worry he will take care of her when she gets bigger.
So almost two week my life has changed and its gets better and easier and more blessed. I just keep telling myself to stop crying and keep your head up you gone to far now to start crying...
Their is one thing thats missing right now....

I havent been able to see david for a couple of weeks....we went to dennys before I had the baby and he came to the hopsital I miss him so bad......Its him im crying for I just want him here with me, next to me...its crazy....he said we are going to vegas on valentines....I emailed him the info...on the rooms and stuff... The only thats actually keeping me together its knowing that me and him get to be alone soon. ALONE AT LAST>>>> lol... Im just being honest with myself...I havent wanted and craved some one so bad in my life...for years....I mean years....okay ya i liked guys  I even loved abels dad...everyone has love at different levels...This is just different. I dont want to give up...I hope he loves me like i love him I just cant take another  heart break I really cant. I look at him and sit next to him and every problem I have or though just seems to melt even if its just for a few moments.

Heres is two weeks of life changing events and thanking Jesus for blessing me with madison..and God works in mysterious ways tooo because after all my surgeries i am still able to breast feed my daughter. Not 100percent of course but Im still able to nurse her so she get can get some milk for her. It made me feel like a million bucks like I can d om something for her. Shes so cute.  

Friday, January 7, 2011

Madison Comes on My Birthday!!!

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On my 34th birthday at 534pm Madison is in the world!! We got home from the  hospital this monday, I been resting alot abels been going to daycare so I can rest. What I wanted to tell you whoever reads  this how cool it is to have a daughter added to my little family. I can admit these past couple days I been sad, crying, laughing, quiet, loud, kinds of things ....I hear I have the baby blues but its normal my doc said. Its surreal...Its like wow....Me and abels life is going to change....and I have so much plans for us. Only thing missing from my lil happiness bubble is a good man for us, and I know he will be here soon. David is still somewhat in my life but im not sure if he is staying, ;-( I know I miss him and he really made me happy but hes being so distant its almost like hes gone, so all I can do is pray about it, and give it to god and if its meant to be it will happen.
Things are changing already, my job might lay me off because they dont want to approve my leave and thats fine I was mad but thats okay. My mind is clear and foucsing on my plans for Phoenix Princess, and Lowrider baby clothing, Im planning my surgeries, Im planning a vacation with my babies and my momma. My mom what I wouldnt do without her. She has been there for every minute and was sitting right next to me at the csection scared as a bat, but being tough. She is the best women in the world and a good role model for me if it wasnt for her, I have no idea where I would be in the world I thank you Mom for being the best mom and caring for me none stop no matter what you taught me to be a good god fearing women and I feel lucky to be your daughter.
Its no surprise that I have the baby blues other stresses could have caused it, like fear and anxiety of thinking all the burdens of the world are on me, and I have to do it alone. Thats what it is, its like the single moms secret woas, and cries. We have to do it all alone.Their is noone else going to take care of us and our kids only god and us. If god blesses us with a good man who wants to be a family, and wants to be happy with us he will. Untill then I am going to be happy with my life, as I always am until god decides to bring him to us. The man who wants to be happy with us, I know hes out there, and I know one day he will be sitting next to me and contentment will be the leading feeling for my life.
I love you Jesus I love you so much, thank you for everything you did and do in my life and for another day to breath....and be alive..

About Me

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Highly interested in the future of my two children...and creating postive memories for them is my goal. Im a single mother, a ASU graduate and a social accident.