Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Robert Townsend's Diary of a Single Mom on PIC.tv

Robert Townsend's Diary of a Single Mom on PIC.tv


Here is my latest blog for Robert Townsend's Diary of a Single Mom

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Letting go...

its a crossroads...all week I been depressed because of my heartbreak...and Im at the point of moving on now..
me and Abel and my mom went to my favorite place Margaret T. Hance park yesterday and the Japanese friendship garden my second favorite place it was so awesome. I got lunch for us Abel played with the puppies in the park it was like a perfect day.
Inside I was sad..I keep asking myself why!!!! he doesn't want to the be the man for you let it go now!! I guess I was really sure he was so perfect and let downs aren't my strong point. So this is the post about me being sad because im letting him go now and I will be fine. Last night was the final cry and right in the middle of it.. I said to myself...omg self...you are such a sissy right now stop it now..get your head out of your ass...get your mind right what were our plans before Madison? LAW SCHOOL....you must apply for law school now...So that is the plan...then I thought the military since you have before your 37 right lol..thank god im not 37...hehehe the air-force has so many benefits it would be great for my kids.  My job search continues im looking for a job very far away from my family. Is that bad? I hope not...I just want some space now so I can raise my kids and live my life SPACE far away...im even thinking of Disneyland just me and abel it would so awesome I know we would have fun. Im at a crossroads in my life of serious change. God continues to shape me into a smart educated women and I thank him for that. Im reading the book of genesis and they talk about "he took a wife" and the husband is "the master" and he wanted a wife...they even married again after their wives died and had more kids very similar I think to the way it is today. I agree and have always agreed the husband is the "leader" I call it like the master. I will im assuming find my master someday im guessing, until then I  have to be my own master and create my own destiny. I cant wait let the destiny making begin!!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Good Days...

 I been having so many good days enjoying time with my kids its so great. I never had so much fun in I dont know how long. Its tiring of course but its fun, it feels good to rest and play with abel and hug madison.  This weekend I tried to go to the luke AFB air show...but arrived to late because i was waiting for my car because my mom was using it. That was cool we went to the park by my best friends house and I watched abel play for hours.
 He had a blast! Madison was so good too she didnt even cry the whole time. I love this pic abel look so happy hes such a blessing to my soul everyday I see him in the morning I melt...I love him so much hes my miracle I tell him everyday.
Ms. Madison is getting big!! She is three months almost!! Happy 3 month sweetie pie!! and you my lil love I look at you maddy and I cant wait till your a big girl so we can do girlie stuff what a lil angel you are.


Things are getting better for me...I dont cry as much because of my heartbreak....its getting better im just trying to understand why that happened...why did I fall in love with someone who was going to hurt me..to make me feel so lonely like I did something wrong?
The statement of I want to marry you but not your kids....was like nails on a chalkboard to me...;-( It continues to sadden me...but as the days go on it gets better...we talked and I was so excited but I dont know.he said what he said and thats what I have to remember. Hes letting his past ruin his future...;-( I have been guilty of that but I guess we all learn by mistakes. I dont him or any man...Im a educated women with a strong work history...Im smart, im beautiful its not like im not a good catch Im not trying to toot my own horn but beep beep..lol....Its his past thatt has him scared and not wanting to let us have our good life together. I wish his ex wife never did what she did to him...I wish all the stuff that people have done to me never happened but what setts me apart from him is that it doesnt ruin my future I let it go...I pray god please help him let it go even if hes not with me please help him let it go so he can happy and can move on. I hope he knows that he can be happy, and not letting himself be happy isnt right. I love you....baby...wherever you are.

My surgery has been moved to April 11...for my reconstruction....I dont know why but okay...and im going to vegas with roberta for salenas wedding april 1 and 2 im sooooo looking forward.... Im smiling...I feel good and know god has a plan for me, everything is the way he wants it. I love you Jesus.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Robert Townsends Diary of a Single Mom

I am going to post a recent blog I wrote for the internet tv Show Diary of a Single mom. Im a blogger for them which I am very proud of by the way. I have always love to write since I could remember I used to write stories in elementary school and in high school I used to be on the school newspaper it was so fun. I used to have a colum called "Dear Monica" I wanted to take Dear Abbys place so bad. So in college it was either Journalism or Criminal Justice I eventually picked criminal justice. I picked criminal justice because a cop came to my house when I was little investigating because some one broke in and to me he was so cool for making sure my family was safe.
Here is the lastest blog I wrote for them, they  havent posted it yet... but I am very proud of this one...It seemed fitting to write it because of my recent broken heart...from my love David....and everything I been having to jump over and hurdle in the last few years...


Have you ever sat down and made plans and goals that you would hope to obtain in a time frame and then for whatever reason when you’re about to reach the finish line something happens causing you to have to hurdle over to get to your goal only to find out another hurdle springs up and another. People can say well that’s life you never know what’s going to happen right? As single mothers when we get a hurdle it’s a little harder for us because we are jumping those hurdles alone with our babies, and that alone can make it so tough and almost make you feel like giving up at times.  I have been there many times in the last few years feeling like giving up. Being a single mom is hard enough for us we want the best for our kids just like married couples do. When hurdles pop up for them they have each other to turn to for help to get over who do we have? Well we do have our kids they are always the best to get us through anything. I know times when I found myself crying quietly out of frustration because of my car breaking down my three year old was the first to hug and kiss me letting me know it will be alright. 2. We have our faith. Faith in God is the best way to be able to learn how to get through anything because once god knows you believe and you love him he will work miracles in your life and take care of you in so many ways. I always tell people God is my husband he always takes care of me when I least except it, that’s why I never doubt. 3. Support system that really care and loves you and understands you’re genuine in whatever help you need to get through. I was reading through a moms chat board and a women was talking about single moms saying that we chose our life style so we have a reason to be they “way we are” or an excuse and she doesn’t feel sorry for single moms only their children. She was asked sarcastically if she is married and her husband must be a perfect man and single motherhood probably would never happen to her.  I said well I feel sorry for your way of thinking because you have never experienced real life yet, and I feel sorry for you when you do because your kids will be the first one to suffer because you assume you’re perfect and have a disaster proof life.  I didn’t get  mad I was only being real with her. Single moms know what it’s like to really struggle. To really think fast on what to do when a problem arises because the majority of the time we have no one to turn to. What gets us through these times is our will to know we will get through and there is always a end to a problem that happens to us. Our cars will be fixed eventually, our kids who get sick will get better because we will take care of them, if we lose our jobs because we couldn’t find a babysitter or were late because of our cars we will always fix our cars and find another job right?  We will do all those things on little sleep to because we know our children need us. They need us to keep our heads up and teach them that life isn’t always easy but you can always jump those hurdles with strength and never giving up. That’s my life motto never giving up I want my kids to know that so when they become adults they will never give up just like I never and have the strength to jump hurdles and move those road blocks of life like I do.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Independent Feat. Lil' Boosie and Lil' Phat (video

Silently Screaming....

thats my new term...it fits the last week and half....just when I start to loosen up the reigns on my stressful...I get hit by a mack. truck...but isnt it like that for everyone? Just when you get comfortable BOOM...sometimes I think its me I think someone along time ago put a curse on me and ever since just when I begin to rest..something starts me all over again. having to go  through and work harder for anything. Last week my Job layed me off...or fired me I guess I dont know...because they refused to hold my job while I was on maternity leave, and I was 50 hours short of FMLA..I was expecting that.Im actually glad they did since I worked part time anyways and now my unemployment is even a lil more than I was making working my ten hours a week so for the time being I am better off and get to find something I can do as my career, past resume experience and my degree says I can do.  I went to a job interview thursday for a social worker at a nursing home it was so funny, the interview went sooo bad, the lady was like you have kids omg where are they going to go when you work,..ughhh daycare I said and then she said omg...anyways...I was thinking she dont she likes me..lol...
March 10 was my moms birthday http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2113469&id=1263890798&l=5db6a73a5f

She  had a blast. I took her to eat with my nana, we went to her our tio Lu's Grave his birthday was on March 9 its crazy its been nine years since he died after my moms fiftieth birthday party. Time is crazy fast when you dont pay attention.
My mom my nana, and me and maddy eating lunch on her birthday.  We went to see showstoppers at the casino and the powerdrive band...she had so much fun I won 100 $ which was cool....YESTERDAY I went  back and spent it....:-( I went with David....


DAVID DAVID DAVID thats the last time Im going to say his name anymore...last night he finally told me again he is done raising kids....OKAY I know I shoulda figured it out the first time he mentioned that but I thought time will tell....time will tell nothing on people but their true colors...I cried and cried... I never wanted to make something work so bad, I have no idea how I let myself slip up like that...I never have feelings I never get sappy...at least I never let NO one know...I have any feelinggs for them...thats what I was trying to tell him...that the way I act with him...is a way I havent been in about 12 years since my ex-fiance....I have had strong feelings for peeps like abels dad...but I just jumped into abels dad...which we all know the ending of that story...I never took time to wait and learn I just alway did my own thing if a guy was around he was around if he wasnt  I didnt care either.

SO I ask myself this broken hearted sunday..morning...Why did I want it to work so bad...?? WHY he didnt really put in effort to sweep me off my feet like other "suitors" in my life...he didnt really do anything for me...that was so exciting...he did date me while I was pregant which was a shocker ..but...did he spend all his free time with me...did he want to see me and my kids did he call me to check on me,..what did he do...Did he make sure I had gas in my car, did he make sure I had money in my pocket like all my ex's of the pastt...what did he do that caught my eye!!!! I know what it was he didnt do nothing.I guess...He didnt try and do anything...but for whatever reason when he sat next to me...his energy made me feel safe...and complete...and I loved that full feeling of being safe...and warm with him next to me but unfourtnatley it was a false feeling that Im thinking GOd is just putting me through for the final stages of me finally learning to pay attention to men...in a real eye opening view..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeiAvdXyp2g

I can still see his face...telling me he doesnt wanna raise kids...;-(  I mean im not asking him to raise my kids..they have their dads...but if we are going to live togetther...like the plan was in sept... I would expect him to help me a lil since he would be in the house.....but thats behind me now...Im glad he said that now and not five years from now....ughhhh it sucks...SO here I am silently screaming with 3.5 hours sleep and  lets go down the list of the recent changes that have went on...

1. My job let me go they didnt want to hold my job and let me know...
2. The red truck got repo'd aftter four years of making sure it didnt...
3. My truck...drove me nuts after being in the shop three time in the week and crooss yourfingers its running sweet 600 bucks later..
4. The first man I caught feeling for in years....wasnt what I thought he was....

So In true Monica Fashion since I never change Im about to do something BIG.....Something BIG...like I do when it feels like everything goes wrong....Im working on my t-shirts....Im going to do an event or something for phoenix princes....finish the webbsite...save my money put tv's in my car.....lol....like David kept telling me Im rich...no baby im just not cheap get it right!! Enough crying enough of that bullshit....

David will be forgotten and will be another story to tell of past mistakes but I do know one thing he is the first man I wanted to be with in years...because to me God sent him to me...God sent him to me to train me...to train me to see that everyone wont love my kids as much as I do and if they doI will know. I am on  alert cause I know i will meet someone else....and have to go through getting to know them...but its all good... Im a smart....educated....women and mother...who doesnt need anyone...I dont need anyone....anyone who is in my life is their because I let them...it was funny becuase I was supposed to meet Davids parents yesterday which I thought was awesome I couldnt wait to meet the people who I though made this beautiful man bless the world....and the same night that beautiful man crushed me hard.... Iwas crying last night and called larry and told him and he said to meet him at three am at whataburger because a whataburger will make it go away...lol...I never thought I would call larry after being dumped....it was cool though I asked him how the shark is doing and tthat abel talks about it all the time...it was cool he made me laugh and said F' him...lol... Larry is turning out to be awesome to me and so Is daniel ..lmao my two best friends....

.Last night at applebees David...said thats why you have kids when you get married....lmfao...that was my plan I didnt have kids till I was thirty dont you think I was hoping for a perfect setup..hulllo.....that would be the plan baby....in a perfect world...but Im beyond perfect...more like a perfect diaster....and you dont like it...who cares!!!   thats me the perfect screaming silently diaster single mom.....and I really dont care what anyone says or thinks of me...Booya on that... 

GQ - SAD GIRL

Friday, March 4, 2011

living the simple life....

I feel soooo good today.....I feel like today is the best beginning I had in years....my lovely mistake was repossed from me today after four years of paying over 400 dollars a month.....lol...yes friends all for love for this....



lol....im laughing right now because in life we learn everyday....sometimes harder than others.....but I bought this truck for this man in the picture...which is my sons father....who I was crazily in love with. What happens when get stuck in hard love like that.....we do crazy things....we want to make them happy no matter what...no matter what expense.....boy do I wish knew what  know now....Im not even mad at larry it was me...who said okay ill get it for you, I could have said no...but love had me hard.... so its my fault but I let i go...
 
.for the last four years he made payments I made payments... I drove the truck for a year and half....ugggg my ex daniel payed...and got behind...recently I thought a friend I could trust asked to take it over...and she got behind and left it....I have made the decision to let it go.....im tired...im tired...of the red truck...Its almost payed off....one more year...but i just am tired of trying to figure out how to pay...it so today feels awesome...I called the bank and the lady was sooooo nice....I told her I tried...everything...she must have been mexican she said dont worry meja im glad you know it was the best thing....and when they sell it settle on it....I feel good....I never had a car taken away from me....I owned five cars in my lifetime and payed them all.....I take alot of pride in that...Im not going to run away from this but I do feel renewed....and know that God did this for me....because simple is the only way to be these days for me.....Since I  have had madison I have been learning to slow down....to really enjoy things even more.....Im proud of the way things are going I bought a new TV yesterday a plasma...tv. 42inch.....lol..with my taxes..like five years ago...it would have been like wow...plasma....but I think its cool....and abel will get my 37inch....lcd...for his room.....which I think is alot...but hey how many three year olds have a captains bed....and a 37inch samsung in their room....lol...I spoil abel toooooo much...but I dont care....I love him...hes my baby boy...like my love is Madison...Life is good...I think really good right now...so what my job layed me off yesterday....so what my truck got repod this morning...as I study my bible and let god inside my life...my heart...my soul....everything is changing...everything is changing and I know everything will be alright....
 
So the pics up above its kind of like their spirtual funeral...I let go of those two energies alooooong time ago...and It feels so good to look back and know its over the struggle is over...now if superior court would speed up larrys child support.....hehehe

Thursday, March 3, 2011

waiting for superman

http://film.waitingforsuperman.com/videos


I just finished watching waiting for superman....a documentary about how the nations school system is horribly failing our kids...   Only thing I could think of is okay if they are not teaching our kids the tools they need to  be sucessful in life or continued education....what kind of society are we producing because I can see it in my neigborhood already....shootings...young deaths and crime everyday...its crazy...its scary...its sad....im so worried about my kids education....I compare my education to the kids now... I feel like I got a good education...compared to the kids now...Although  i feel like alot had to do with my choice to study...on my own...and home life has alot to do with it..but if you really think about it...our societies future...is crumbling..dangerously..!!! Without solid education..no one knows what to do with themselves...its like a stew of societal madness...im so worried....what we can we do to help our kids?? We can focus on them and learning and teaching them as much as we can so they can be sucessfull in life..starting from abcs.....to reading to communications skills...Im going to start looking for scholarships for abel...and maddy.....

am I rattling..... ;-) No just being a concerned mommy...

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Madison is two months already!!!

yesterday she got her two months old shots!!!

she is sooo cute!! I havent had a chance to sit down and write...and if I do I write for Robert towsends Diary of a single mom internet tv show. Isnt that soooo coool... Ihavent updated my blog in a lil while because I been enjoying my time off work with my babies. Its amazing to see madison and abel without these two little lights I have no idea where my mind would be. Im also following up on my thryoid surgery, my breast surgery I have to meet my favorite doctor today Dr. Weiner..lol...my plastic surgeon everything is looking up...I bought abel a big boy bed, im looking for a nice tv for him...I am going to be taking a vacation soon with my kids. Everything will be awesome. One thing my friend heather gave me back my truck two month behind...;-( I dont want to give that problem more energy than it deserves but...it hurt...my house seems tto be getting farther away from me when I get close...but Im still keeping my head up....I cant give up my house dreams and i know it will be here soon enough.
I love life even more I havent been more happier than I am lately.....Once you let things go that bother you everything feels awesome. Larry abels dad meet us last friday to give abel money and spend some time with him....I wasnt even mad to see him or anything kinda of like hanging with a old friend. I did some research and abels child support is finally going through superior court!! good good news. That way I can have money for him without always having to stop everything like his dad want me too.
David is still here with me....dealing with barely getting to see him is hard...the hours of his work...our living arrangements....my mom in the middle of everything.....ugggg  Daniel is also around....hes okay too he helps me when I need to go to the dr and stuff....so at least hes doing that....ugggg.. ;-)
No matter what happens Im happy....no one is taking my happiness away anymore....Im crossing my fingers I can get a job out of town. Yes I know it sounds crazy....but I think I will never have a opportunity for growth if I dont 100 percent......go far away on my own.....we shall see.......I love you lord.....I cant wait for my bible study class today

About Me

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Highly interested in the future of my two children...and creating postive memories for them is my goal. Im a single mother, a ASU graduate and a social worker...by accident.