Sunday, March 13, 2011

Silently Screaming....

thats my new term...it fits the last week and half....just when I start to loosen up the reigns on my stressful...I get hit by a mack. truck...but isnt it like that for everyone? Just when you get comfortable BOOM...sometimes I think its me I think someone along time ago put a curse on me and ever since just when I begin to rest..something starts me all over again. having to go  through and work harder for anything. Last week my Job layed me off...or fired me I guess I dont know...because they refused to hold my job while I was on maternity leave, and I was 50 hours short of FMLA..I was expecting that.Im actually glad they did since I worked part time anyways and now my unemployment is even a lil more than I was making working my ten hours a week so for the time being I am better off and get to find something I can do as my career, past resume experience and my degree says I can do.  I went to a job interview thursday for a social worker at a nursing home it was so funny, the interview went sooo bad, the lady was like you have kids omg where are they going to go when you work,..ughhh daycare I said and then she said omg...anyways...I was thinking she dont she likes me..lol...
March 10 was my moms birthday http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2113469&id=1263890798&l=5db6a73a5f

She  had a blast. I took her to eat with my nana, we went to her our tio Lu's Grave his birthday was on March 9 its crazy its been nine years since he died after my moms fiftieth birthday party. Time is crazy fast when you dont pay attention.
My mom my nana, and me and maddy eating lunch on her birthday.  We went to see showstoppers at the casino and the powerdrive band...she had so much fun I won 100 $ which was cool....YESTERDAY I went  back and spent it....:-( I went with David....


DAVID DAVID DAVID thats the last time Im going to say his name anymore...last night he finally told me again he is done raising kids....OKAY I know I shoulda figured it out the first time he mentioned that but I thought time will tell....time will tell nothing on people but their true colors...I cried and cried... I never wanted to make something work so bad, I have no idea how I let myself slip up like that...I never have feelings I never get sappy...at least I never let NO one know...I have any feelinggs for them...thats what I was trying to tell him...that the way I act with him...is a way I havent been in about 12 years since my ex-fiance....I have had strong feelings for peeps like abels dad...but I just jumped into abels dad...which we all know the ending of that story...I never took time to wait and learn I just alway did my own thing if a guy was around he was around if he wasnt  I didnt care either.

SO I ask myself this broken hearted sunday..morning...Why did I want it to work so bad...?? WHY he didnt really put in effort to sweep me off my feet like other "suitors" in my life...he didnt really do anything for me...that was so exciting...he did date me while I was pregant which was a shocker ..but...did he spend all his free time with me...did he want to see me and my kids did he call me to check on me,..what did he do...Did he make sure I had gas in my car, did he make sure I had money in my pocket like all my ex's of the pastt...what did he do that caught my eye!!!! I know what it was he didnt do nothing.I guess...He didnt try and do anything...but for whatever reason when he sat next to me...his energy made me feel safe...and complete...and I loved that full feeling of being safe...and warm with him next to me but unfourtnatley it was a false feeling that Im thinking GOd is just putting me through for the final stages of me finally learning to pay attention to men...in a real eye opening view..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zeiAvdXyp2g

I can still see his face...telling me he doesnt wanna raise kids...;-(  I mean im not asking him to raise my kids..they have their dads...but if we are going to live togetther...like the plan was in sept... I would expect him to help me a lil since he would be in the house.....but thats behind me now...Im glad he said that now and not five years from now....ughhhh it sucks...SO here I am silently screaming with 3.5 hours sleep and  lets go down the list of the recent changes that have went on...

1. My job let me go they didnt want to hold my job and let me know...
2. The red truck got repo'd aftter four years of making sure it didnt...
3. My truck...drove me nuts after being in the shop three time in the week and crooss yourfingers its running sweet 600 bucks later..
4. The first man I caught feeling for in years....wasnt what I thought he was....

So In true Monica Fashion since I never change Im about to do something BIG.....Something BIG...like I do when it feels like everything goes wrong....Im working on my t-shirts....Im going to do an event or something for phoenix princes....finish the webbsite...save my money put tv's in my car.....lol....like David kept telling me Im rich...no baby im just not cheap get it right!! Enough crying enough of that bullshit....

David will be forgotten and will be another story to tell of past mistakes but I do know one thing he is the first man I wanted to be with in years...because to me God sent him to me...God sent him to me to train me...to train me to see that everyone wont love my kids as much as I do and if they doI will know. I am on  alert cause I know i will meet someone else....and have to go through getting to know them...but its all good... Im a smart....educated....women and mother...who doesnt need anyone...I dont need anyone....anyone who is in my life is their because I let them...it was funny becuase I was supposed to meet Davids parents yesterday which I thought was awesome I couldnt wait to meet the people who I though made this beautiful man bless the world....and the same night that beautiful man crushed me hard.... Iwas crying last night and called larry and told him and he said to meet him at three am at whataburger because a whataburger will make it go away...lol...I never thought I would call larry after being dumped....it was cool though I asked him how the shark is doing and tthat abel talks about it all the time...it was cool he made me laugh and said F' him...lol... Larry is turning out to be awesome to me and so Is daniel ..lmao my two best friends....

.Last night at applebees David...said thats why you have kids when you get married....lmfao...that was my plan I didnt have kids till I was thirty dont you think I was hoping for a perfect setup..hulllo.....that would be the plan baby....in a perfect world...but Im beyond perfect...more like a perfect diaster....and you dont like it...who cares!!!   thats me the perfect screaming silently diaster single mom.....and I really dont care what anyone says or thinks of me...Booya on that... 

No comments:

Post a Comment

About Me

My photo
Highly interested in the future of my two children...and creating postive memories for them is my goal. Im a single mother, a ASU graduate and a social worker...by accident.