Monday, June 27, 2011

Tumor in the Brain....

Drum Roll Please............... I now  have to have brain surgery.  What else do you say to someone after they say that....

I found out last thurday...my brain tumor I have been watching for three years..has grown and needs to come out. Besides being so mad...I just kind of went into a mental coma...Im still walking around I thought but not really here....My mom took me to flagstaff friday saturday and sunday. It was very nice hard but nice...
It is what is. Im not giving up my friends.,..I have to get through this and I will for God, my kids and ME. Im learning alot about people...David has not called me...and to me he can kick rocks..what a phonie asshole...Daniel is going to be there of course...like he always is like it or not....and so is my mom and my family...


heres is my mommas. Poor Mom, I know she is so scared. She said if somethings happens to you i dont know what i will do. She said she feels like screaming...I said how do you think I feel...lol..we started laughing...Im trying to make sense of all this right now...I did start my new job and stop immediatley...;-(  What do you do when that stuff happens...Hi I know today is my first day...but I need time off already to have brain surgery...thank you....lmfao...

Shes going through too much....I love you Mom dont worry....I wont leave you I promise and If I do ill make sure you will win the lottery. I love you...
She hasnt been anywhere in years...so it was a beautiful change for her....Poor Mom shes a miracle laddy...she is a angel...Thank you for everything you do...God sees you and knows your doing everything for him.

Ill be okay...I just know it.....Amen.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Nervous Breakdown

YES. I can honestly say yesterday I had a almost serious breakdown. I started my new job. I also got news last friday my brain tumor grew...I started my new job this monday...by tuesday yesterday. I cant do it anymore. WTF is a menogomia...Idk...I really dont know..about anything anymore Im trying to focus...Im trying to do the right things...Abel was having a hard time at daycare Maddy is fine...my new job...is okay..but not im off for a little while...after 1.5 days...lmao...isnt that like the funniest im off already...till I found out if I need brain surgery...I dont reallly know wtf to do...Most of the time I wanna just run around screaming asking someone to help. me...Or just kill myself..that always comes to mind when I have no idea what to do,.ill figure it out...Im hoping...My mom is like dont worry just stay off work...yes I guess its that easy she thinks living here with her and my brother yes I love it....Ya fucking right...hmmm No body is going to make it better for me...No better is going to help me...I just feel like wtf did I do...everytime I can stand I fall and have to get up and then fall again...Maybe I still am having a nervous breakdown..until I see the dr thursday and find out what the hell...im a real life wreck...I dont know what im doing..I hope I keep my job..im planning a move to buckeye, I hope I dont have to have surgery..Im really really...tired of this BULL>..God is here I give him all my problems and let him handle it...I talked to David he said dont worry...dont worry...God will do the right thing..I know he will...https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/263860_2147470167340_1263890798_32605882_804437_n.jpg

I cant put pics up here today but the link above is me and my best friend carina it was her birthday so for the last two days we been celebrating lmao....Me and her live totally different lives...but still we are the same. She is so awesome I love her very much. When I tell her whats wrong Shes like dont worry fo you will handle it..and that pretty much the truth...Even though im complaining right and crying and screaming most of the day...I always handle it somehow.I always try and make a change and fix.problems...Im really good at fixing other peoples problems  but no one ever offers to fix mine.I feel yelling out i have a family too!!!!!!!!! FUCk you...lol...I dont even know what im talking about right now...so please excuse me...im still not at clear minded level..So today im going to put tons of thingd in a rented storage..in a effort to clear out needless toys and cluttter..and continue to figure out where actually my life is headed until thurs at 345...when I actually find out.  So dont worry most likely I wont kill myself...trust me..I wont leave my kids to be tortured growing up with my mother she did enough damage to her own kids...and B. I just wont...But have you ever just felt lost and have no idea where to turn...Im there...I feel like im in a little box...and cant breath...it feels awful...
SOOO to get my mind off....Im also going to work on phoenix princess.com

phoenixprincess.com..... My baby My dream my prize ....since I was a little girl....I got to pick up a new batch of shirts...and that kind of stuff makes me happy.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

A Job...

YES ladies and gentlemen I got a full time job!! Im neverous I havent really worked full time since Abel was born, but I know this is the right thing for us. They are still doing the background and stuff so it will be a few weeks but soon I will have my own desk again, another laptop, a office phone it sounds crazzy to me I cant believe it how in Four years my life has changed so much! Kids ,College, Health....

ABEL TURNED FOUR!! Pics  from his party to come my camera is somewhere around this house this is me and him on Sunday June 12th his birthday.  My lil King is four. I cant believe how time flies like this im so scared of him growing up thats why every minute with him is so precious and like Gold to me.


       MADDY BURGER IS FIVE MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Time is crazy heres she is saturday chillen by the pool at Abels Party
Look at her lil Face shes is adorable!! I keep falling in love with her all over again...every day...
Here is Maddy and Roberta arent they cute!!! Roberta is so beautiful. I always tell Maddy you better go with you other momma Roberta she loves u...;-) Roberta is a awesome lady, she listened to me all through my pregnancy helped me after and before...she is the superest friend you could have trust me.

So my new/old title as Case Manager is coming soon. Im pretty proud with my degree i was able to get alot more pay than before which is cool. Although I would have liked to start working in parole or probation but...well they are not hiring it really really sucks...so being a case manager for the mentally ill...is something that comes naturally to me. I did it for some years before...and did it well...

I was upset last night I been going through a extensive health check for my life insurance...and they sent me a letter that a MRI shows I have menegomia or "brain cancer". They are so stupid, I started crying...that was so awful to send a letter like that...You know why?? Because I dontt have Brain Cancer dum asses. That hurt just seeing it on a paper. It said "it looks like'. My doctor said i could have been born with it.. it hasnt grown in two years...it could be a mole...but he said we dont have to go in there if it doesnt change...since its not doing nothing to me..I dont like that life insurance and they are giving me my money back jerks..BUT  I do need to my neurologist anyways...so I will make an appointment...since i missed the last one that was a couple weeks ago, just to curb my worries...Omg its nothing...they are sooo dum....

Anyways...My Love Life is two thumbs down....and im okay with it...MY new job...My Kids...Gettting a house...working on phoenixprincess.com  only thing on my mind....I wish DANIEL would finally get the clue...I wish I could be with him...since he loves Maddy of course and Abel and is a good father...but I just cant...he thinks hes so smart and has one over on me...he also thinks im going to live at my moms forver...which he always...says that why you wont live with me..your scared...lmfao...NO not scared just saving the trip of moving back...and enduring needless suffering...he was on my FB it was sooo funnny...he tagged a pic of himself...and I put a comment to get it off...wth...your not my man....

David... Idont know what to say...he just kind of draws blank thoughts to me...and its going where its headed nowherre...Anyways im going to bed...and I gotta keep telling myself...keep your head...up...and always believe it will get better.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Fast...Learning...Relaxation and Love..

thats how I can sum up the last couple of weeks..I cant believe how time continues to fly. Im enjoying every minute of everyday. Although financial stresses continue to creep up I try and tell myself God will continue to provide and we will continue to be "okay". Thank God for my mother, although sometimes I cringe at the thought of coming back home sometime here but I know its because I long for a change a new window to look out of of. A MOVE, A CHANGE new walls my dream. For the last couple of years it seems like right when I got close to a house..it moved miles away from me. I have managed to teach myself having my own house isnt everything, and eventually it will be a goal that I will reach. Its just very hard living under this roof with my two children and my mother but very soon im anticipating that change is coming. I want my kids to make a mess and no one say omg a mess, lol. Thats my mother's fav comment. Anyways, update on my test results no thryoid cancer!. That was a relief of course, but a new question arose "then what is it?" It's throyid tissue how do I have throyid after my 2001 surgery I have no idea but I finally said well I dont have cancer I have a throyid again and thats fine as long as im healthy thats all the matters to me. I want live to be so old. So old to see Maddy and Abels kids, just the idea makes me eyes water. It makes my eyes water because life is crazy it goes fast and every single second is precious im scared one day im going to wake up and Abel is going to be grown and Maddy will be grown and all I have is pictures of these miracles and wonderful moments I make sure my kids will have postive memories are our jobs as parents.

Look at this pic. Its like a dream...seeing abel smile...seeing abel be a kid a happy kid, makes me so proud. Im so proud of my son and maddy. Abel is so innocent, hes so imaginative im so happy hes such a amazing kid. At night we run around the house like dinosaurs, we eat ice cream watch disney movies all the time he gets to play all the time everyday goes so fast im so tired by the end of the day but I dont care. I dont really care Im always tired,  I have gotten very used to it. I have a job interview tommorow at Southwest Network as a case manager. Its a second interview the phone interview I passed. Im a little nervous im settled in to not working. I decided to work on my shirt business very seriously. I have a shirt clothing line that I designed after abel was born. I feel blessed because since Abel was born I managed to not work full time, design a clothing line that has been my dream since I was little girl, get my bachelors degree and finally I think GROW UP. I have managed to grow in the last couple of weeks substantially. I have learned about what I want, what I need what my future accomplishments will be. My own full time businness is near. I have so many business ideas that are in the works that im putting in motion...that are all going to manifest in the near future and Im very proud.   Im a very proud person right I could admit. I love to learn I love to learn from my mistakes so I dont do it again its awesome to have a clear mind now. Sunday me and David went to the casino. I love that man. I love him, just saying his name brings a tingle in my body. I look at him and I see such a smart hard working man. It was interesting to talk with him over lunch about he knows his past makes him scared to be serious like with me, he wants to make sure that im not going to just "leave" when I get mad or something.  I talked about my learning lately about relationships and about how I know whatt I want and my plans it was really cool. I mean just sitting next to him..is cool he makes me feel so calm so safe like he would never hurt me even though he has. I think about that...I called him out on his "incidents" and he said hes sorry. I know he didnt mean it or anything..Like when larry or Daniel did things they meant it. Davids things he does are pulling away things not wanting to get close kind of things. I told him every holiday every special event...you disappear and I dont understand even though in a way I do..I dont know when you will let your past go and move into something beautiful we can be. Last night on the phone he said when he gets his apartment me and him and the kids will sleep all on one bed until we get a house in a year. That made me feel so happy and secure just the statement is a change so we will see what happens, untl then my momentum continues. Daniel is on my Fb lol..I know its kind of funny...he actually is turning into my great friend and my dependant with the kids right now....I have been enjoying solo time because he takes the kids and wants to take the kids it feels good even if its some kind of weird plan he might think that I might go back with him...NOT...it feels really good right now...to have clarity, a lil consistency, a new change and a new outlook on every day. Its very awesome.

About Me

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Highly interested in the future of my two children...and creating postive memories for them is my goal. Im a single mother, a ASU graduate and a social worker...by accident.