Monday, March 17, 2014

Learning and Remembering what you been through

I had the pleasure of being invited to a photoshoot called "Forget for one day" dedicated to women who have or had cancer by a amazing women named Tanya Moreno. I was kind of nervous to attend, and don't really think about my health issues as much.
Photos by Brooke Marcella Photography www.brookemarcella.com Brooke Marcella Photography — at Rochelle's Salon and Spa.
 I am so consumed with my kids and businesses that thinking about what happened is a thing I don't do but I said well its gonna be fun.  When we did the photoshoot I had a blast. So many courageous women in the room, I was so very proud to be with other warriors like myself. As  I got my and makeup done I had a awesome time I felt like a princess.  It was so cool. I couldnt wait to recieve the pics. When I got them I kept looking at the pictures and thinking why I took the pictures.  Those pics brought me back to something maybe I didn't realize. I added the words brain surgery, mastectomy...radiation on a pic. I kept staring at it..... I thought that's a lot of shit....to go through. I remember crying a lot....sometimes even screaming....and wanting to run and run until I couldn't take it anymore. I remember being alone a lot....crying and crying...Anxiety like a monster. I even thought for a while I didn't want to live anymore. I could see it all in these pictures...Me the real me...the one who tries to be strong and fearless when Im really weak and scared...I was in awe...of my old brokenself. The constant fear of .I didn't what was coming next wore on me back then. I remember once I was hospitalized for leukemia...on the way to my midterms I got really sick..turns out god was healing me then....cause the second tests were negative for leukemia. So when my breasts were threatened that they needed to  be removed....it was a lot and seemed to be unbearable.

I couldn't take the idea of my breasts being removed....they were  my pride they were my women hood. I felt devasted. After my surgery and its complications...one of my implants almost fell out. For two weeks I didn't shower...I don't know how I went to school still and work...but I did...I didn't really take care of my son...I even screamed in the backyard one afternoon...asking for someone to help me. Someone did. GOD did. He heard me screaming I ran to my truck and went driving. I went looking for a church and ended up going to a nun monastery. I went to the call box and said I need to talk to someone, she said why? I said I don't want to live anymore.
The gates opened .A lil old lady came walking out her name was sister Linda. She hugged me and said sit down. I said I think God brought me here, she said of course. I said I need prayer because I cant seem to understand why my breasts were removed...what did I do to deserve this? She said did you have a mastectomy....embarrassingly I said yes....She said how old are you? 32. She says wow, when I was 39 I had mine. My  eyes got big. YOU HAD THE SAME SURGERY.....?? I felt relived someone who unders,tands Yes I did.
God healed me that day. I felt like I wasn't alone anymore...I still went everyday to the monastery and cried on a swinging bench...all while sister linda prayed with me and I prayed for god to forgive me for having those thoughts I could never leave my son Abel alone.


 
 
 
Time went on,  I started to get used to it ...I ended up putting a actual implant in my bra until we could start reconstructing the side that broke. I started to shower and even put makeup on. Little by little my life...was getting back and I was slowly...BUT.I didn't look at my chest for two years...
 
I spent times in the hospital...for reconstruction...and appts..but still it wasn't enough,,,I even spent th night in the hospital and went to class in the morning a few times.  I got  a expander...and it was to stay for six months...The excitement of graduating Arizona State University...was suddenly taking over....and I was excited for my final surgery...I wanted to wear a bathing suit so bad. Something changed....
I found out I was pregnant with my daughter the day I graduated ASU. Me and her dad were dating for three years....and it was not the best relationship....needlessly I was stunned... my expander didn't come out for two years.  My brain tumor grew when I had my mastectomy...I was supposed to watch it for three years and that's it. It wasn't supposed to.grow...when I found out it did...I screamed and shook for hours until my mom got home...I needed surgery shortly after that and Maddy was only 7 months old and Abel four . Brain surgery was a shocker yes....This time I did it...with no tears...I said god please give me the strength to be fearless so my family isn't scared...please lord.
God granted me that. FEARLESSLY  I went into brain surgery with prayers all night to Jesus that if he lets me live... I will do everything I can to spread love in the world....He heard my prayers...he heard my tears....
Im still here.
I have been blessed to spread love in the world as much as I can since my surgeries and radiation.  Most recently Nov 2013 I had two more brain tumors that needed radiation or one possibly would take out eyesight on one eye for me.
 
My response....."lets do this fearlessly cause I got things to do" and I did it like a champion.
When I share my story...I usually get a awful....or OMG.....poor thing....I always say "don't feel sorry for me...no way...Im so blessed to have the best doctors..and to be able to go through it. .I mean my skull was open...and Im doing fine lol....that's how God works...he heals...he sent me where I needed to go. I thank you Lord Jesus every morning, me and abel and maddy pray before school, before we eat....I want them to learn that with God first all blessings will come.
 
I thank Ms. Tanya Moreno and Denise Nicole Photography and Kami the makeup artist...they helped me remember what I did in the worst time I used to think I was in...when it was really the best. I thank God for the bad and the good. We all in school and learning...those were just lessons...
 
 
I hope if you are reading this
 
 
I helped you in someway..and gave you strength. I remember I looked online for hope and I couldn't find it. Now all I do all day for the world is try and give hope to anyone I can so they will realize its going to be okay it always is Good or Bad.
 
 Love to all the world........
 
Love Monica
 

4 comments:

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  2. You are remarkable! Thank you for sharing your story. Among all the trials and tribulations, you have succeeded. Your story is one of empowerment, focus, courageousness, and motherhood. Every one has a story and I'm so thankful that I was able to be part of your story. You are truly amazing! I just get so emotional reading this (I've read it like 3x already in 5 minutes). Your faith is so powerful that I can feel it in the words that I read. God is Good!

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  3. You are truly amazing. God is so good! I know that you have a gift to touch many lives with your testimony. May God continue to bless you.

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  4. im crying..lol .thanks girls...we as mothers have to always be strong.so our kids will see strength...Thank you for the time and gifting me such a great day.

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Highly interested in the future of my two children...and creating postive memories for them is my goal. Im a single mother, a ASU graduate and a social worker...by accident.